The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Sleep rewires an unsettling sense of rebirth
and we still wake
surprised.

Each night I grave in swaddled sinks,
settle deeper as hands clasp tighter
with every Lord's prayer, prayed
just before sleep.

He listens you know, because we create him.
We make everything
in fabulous wild confusions.

We've consumed so many Gods
and serpents, swallow them whole
in clinical gulps,
yet still believe
he created us!

My God dies with me, and
that makes Him
very happy.

Hi Colm,

I remember sparkey often admonished me for starting poems with what he called "throat clearing". I think the poem really starts with "He Listens" and there begins a nice take on the mind of god/mind of man connection. I am not entirely comfortable with the "we" pronoun---would love your take on the subject if you could frame it as YOUR experience (as you have done in final S). 

Love love love:

We've consumed so many Gods
and serpents, swallow them whole
in clinical gulps,
yet still believe
he created us!

Hi Linda,
Think you're right about 'we'.
Don't see the first two stanzas as clearing my throat; but it is the first poem I've written in a while so maybe you caught a sense of that? Or maybe I was
I didn't think this was going to be well received so I'm glad you liked some of it

S4 needs to be consistent in tense to make sense (e.g. consumed calls for swallowed).

Any poem will be well received if written well. Not sure why you would tag it beforehand as not. Doing it a dis-service, methinks.

I enjoyed the read.

I like this, Colm. 

Nice lead-in to the meat re the first two stanzas - disagree (Linda) that the first two stanzas are throat clearing, but rather table setting.

We, as a supposed sapient race, have for thousands of years created our gods in our "image and likeness."  

Agree with Tim, tense in S4 - chose one............

And if you capitalize God, Him, He here and there, perhaps do it everywhere (there's that rhyme, again !!!) 

Aj

Thanks Aj.
'We consumed', is about our entire past history... it's what we've always done.
Present tense 'swallow', was intentional; it's a quick/easy way of saying that we are still doing it... without having to use too many words

Overall Colm I really like this. While understanding a defence of the beginning, I also felt a disconnect to the rest, in particular the first four lines, which could in my view go without harming the poem. If they stay they don't detract from the rest but in my opinion distract.

You can solve the tense disharmony, which really does not work grammatically even if the intention is clear, is to add an extra 'we' as in 'we swallow them whole'.

Love the ending.

Colm Roe wrote: ↑

Fri Mar 06, 2020 6:38 pm

Thanks Aj.
'We consumed', is about our entire past history... it's what we've always done.
Present tense 'swallow', was intentional; it's a quick/easy way of saying that we are still doing it... without having to use too many words

I saw that as a possibility of what you were saying, but without adding a "we" before swallow (as Dave points out) it just felt uncomfortable...  I think Dave's "fix" is right on.

Really like the poem and the subject matter.

Aj 

Thanks Tim and Aj.

And apols Dave...thanks for the read.