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this ones called Cynthia

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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samwhool
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:18 pm

this ones called Cynthia

Post by samwhool » Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:41 pm

The elderly women 
that lives downstairs
waits at night

for the
mailman 

It's about 9pm pacific
as i head back from an hr
of therapy and grieving
at Golds
"Have you seen the mailman today Sam?"
She asks in her paranoia 
   "No I haven't Cynthia, I dont think the mailman comes this hour"
"YES he does!"
The next day turns over 
After a half day filled with
thoughts weed and more thoughts
Approximately 3pm
"Have you seen the mailman yet Sam?"
    "Not yet Cynthia"
I head out for some more
grieving and therapy
at the mecca
Approximately 8:30 pm pacific
"Sam, have you seen the mailman?! I am expecting a package"
     "I have not Cynthia.....I'll come down and knock if I see him though"

She keeps doing this
every day
every night
Waiting by the gated entrance
Her eyes in the shape of a spiders web
as she firmly peaks
through the bars
awaiting her package
that never comes
if only she didn't have to pretend
to have friends
we'd all be living
in harmony

Dave
Posts: 811
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by Dave » Mon Mar 16, 2020 4:32 pm

There is a good and interesting encounter and sub-text to the poem, which is spoiled slightly by inconsistent capitalization and a tendency to explain too much. The first stanza good disappear altogether and improve the poem, while the end is a bit of a let down in my opinion as it comes across as a rather unkind reflection and is too telly. Up to that point there was a real encounter here of sorts and a good counterpoint between grief counselling and the loneliness of the old woman.

I found it more interesting not to know exactly what the reason for her questioning was: alzheimers, dementia, loneliness, nosiness.
 But welcome and I look forward to more.

Dave

samwhool
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:18 pm

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by samwhool » Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:10 pm

thank u dave for your thoughts!! I will definitely consider them.  would it have been better you think if i disregard the final giveaway and let the reader imagine for him/herself?  

ajduclos
Posts: 829
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:35 pm

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by ajduclos » Mon Mar 16, 2020 10:35 pm

I like this very much, samwhool.
What if you simply remove the last 4 lines................... 

Aj

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Colm Roe
Posts: 1378
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:45 am

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:14 am

Hi and welcome sam :)
Lots to like here. It needs to be pruned. Apostrophe in your title please...one's.
The repeated time telling would be better done by showing; instead of saying 'Approximately 3pm' say
'an hour after yet another bad lunch' or something like that.
What is Golds? I initially thought it was a shrink...but now think it's a gym? Apostrophe!

If it was mine I'd finish like this.

I'm an actor in her life now,
and for a few moments
every day
we groundhog.
I recite my lines on cue,
hope they give some comfort, a balm
to calm spider web eyes
that strain and stretch
beyond hope.

Anywho, your teacher was right...you show great promise.
Keep writing.

indar
Posts: 1702
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by indar » Tue Mar 17, 2020 7:57 pm

Hi Sam and welcome,

I am certain you have tapped into an experience many readers will find familiar. My first experience was with my Grandmother who called all hours of the day, every day of the week to tell me she was sorry she couldn't get to church services this morning because of the bad weather (no matter what the weather). I gave up telling her who I was and just impersonated the church secretary and told her I Understand, please stay home and take care of yourself. The reassurance I gave her sometimes lasted less than an hour. It's so hard to think what is bedeviling someone so lost in their troubling reality. Your poem has captured the anxiety of the lady downstairs and need by the N to try to help. Very interesting first entry on our forum I look forward to more of your work.

Linda

Matty11
Posts: 470
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by Matty11 » Thu Mar 19, 2020 5:18 pm

hi

I agree with Linda that you have tapped into a situation with which many will connect. The use of repetition in the context is effective. I liked the ending. There was a poignancy in the wished for as opposed to the hard reality.

best

Phil

Ike
Posts: 86
Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2018 5:52 am

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by Ike » Sat Mar 28, 2020 12:37 pm

I like a lot of this and its Yellow Wallpaper-esque theme. I'm thrown off by the relevance of the gym trips though, if N is going to the same place twice and calling it mecca that ought to have some purpose in the narrative, no? Maybe just tie up a few loose ends and do a bit of proofreading and i think itll shine

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Tracy Mitchell
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 10:58 pm

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Mar 30, 2020 4:28 pm

Sam -- are you still around?

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Gyppo
Posts: 459
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:28 pm
Location: UK

Re: this ones called Cynthia

Post by Gyppo » Thu Apr 02, 2020 3:55 pm

An impressive intro.

As a former postman/mailman I met all too many of these lost souls waiting for the letter/package which never came.

As a counterbalance I also had one little old lady, in the early 2000s, burst out through her door to hug me, eyes sparkling.  "Darlink!  That letter you delivered yesterday, with the Polish stamp.  It was from an old friend I've not heard from since we were in the camps together."  The shadow on her face whenever - very rarely - she spoke of 'the camps' was almost erased by the sparkle in her eyes and the wonder in her voice.

Gyppo

PS:  You have the wrong 'peaks' unless that's an American spelling.

Peaks:  Tops of mountains or an athlete's best performance.
Peeks:  Looks out at, usually cautiously or shyly.
I've been writing ever since I realised I could.  Storytelling since I started talking.  Poetry however comes and goes  ;-)

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