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The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by indar » Thu Mar 26, 2020 3:23 pm

We lived on Garfield Avenue
the year I had a slumber party.
Saturday night we ate Krispy Kremes
and told scary stories.
 
Sunday morning the tree out front,
a Chinese Elm,
was tented over, streaming
with rolls and rolls
of toilet paper.
 
The memory returned
as I searched empty shelves.
This isn't China's fault.

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Colm Roe
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Mar 27, 2020 2:19 am

A number of people I know, intelligent people who are not in any way racist, are starting to blame China.
It's probably just a coincidence that Wuhan recently built its first BSL-4 (biosafety level-4 lab) ???
An interesting article:
https://www.nature.com/news/inside-the- ... ns-1.21487
Don't you just love how the ready supply of primates (for experimentation) in that area is seen as a plus! Considering their general lack of concern for animal welfare I can only imagine how insensitively they'll also be treated by the white-coats.

I digress Linda.
I love this, it's clever and the irony is sharp.
It's such an easy read, and the innocent beginnings (even the address) sets up the last S so well.
A possible edit:

Sunday morning the tree out front:
a Chinese Elm,
its irony now apparent,
was tented over, streaming
with rolls and rolls
of toilet paper.

indar
Posts: 1716
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by indar » Fri Mar 27, 2020 5:59 pm

Sunday morning the tree out front:
a Chinese Elm,
its irony now apparent,
was tented over, streaming
with rolls and rolls
of toilet paper.

So you're saying:

"There's no parenthetical statements in poetry!
There's no parenthetical statements in poetry!


(Godspeed Tom Hanks)

Thanks Colm. The article you included got me thinking about an old poem of mine. I just took a deep dive into MWC and found it. Posted in 2011, I plan to revive and rewrite it. If this forum gets moving and some of my previous poems finally sink into oblivion I'm going to post it.

(Godspeed to the Wuhan monkeys)

And thanks for the read and your positive comments
 

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Colm Roe
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by Colm Roe » Sat Mar 28, 2020 2:32 am

So you're saying:
"There's no parenthetical statements in poetry!


No, I use them all the time. Because they start on one line and finished on the next line
it didn't (to my ear) have that real sense of hearing a different tone/voice.
If I was reciting a poem, and was using a () line my voice would change. It would (I believe) be confusing
for the audience if the line break created a line with split tones.
I also think the colon forces a different tone for 'a Chinese Elm'.
In three short lines you have three different sonics! In my mind it's okish; but read it out loud....

Sunday morning the tree out front: (And this line reads quite awkward?)
a Chinese Elm (the irony
is now apparent),


Maybe?

Sunday morning,
the tree out front, a Chinese Elm
(the irony now apparent),

Anywho, what do I know. Just my opinion, to use or lose :)

Dave
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by Dave » Sat Mar 28, 2020 1:05 pm

I liked this a lot Indar - it is relevant, totally up to date and beautifully concise. I would let the irony speak for itself and drop that line as it unnecessary commentary.
Dave

indar
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by indar » Sat Mar 28, 2020 11:49 pm

Got it Colm, will do Dave, thanks both

ajduclos
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by ajduclos » Mon Mar 30, 2020 11:38 am

Interesting commentary and thoughts, Colm and Dave.

Linda, this one grabbed me, timely, it shoots straight.  Like it a lot - pretty much leave it alone, it needs no help.

Interesting article, Colm.  Unpleasant food for thought.

Aj   

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Mon Mar 30, 2020 3:53 pm

Late to the party on this poem -- what a wonderful breath of writing!
Deceptively easy reading. The irony, as has been noted, is delicious. :)

After the dust settles and before you publish, you may want to consider the punctuation. A small matter, though, for such a startlingly good poem.

Cheers.

T

indar
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by indar » Tue Mar 31, 2020 5:24 pm

It was really a chore to have to think about punctuation in these trying times but I did it---better? Thanks Tracy for the positive feedback and the nudge re; the nuts and bolts.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: The Boys Were Having a Little Fun

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Tue Mar 31, 2020 6:29 pm

Yes, Indar. Very effective punctuation revision. My only remaining thought might be a period in lieu of the comma at the end of S.1 L.2.

Cheers.

T

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