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water on hot rock

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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

water on hot rock

Post by Dave » Wed Jun 03, 2020 5:49 am

I watch water dribble on stone and die
in the heat of midday and doubt my sanity.
She swore she loved me and I swore I knew. 
She was beautiful, not in a conventional way
women are beautiful but rather as you experience 
ripples threading their way across a lake
in which the water is burrowing deeper
and deeper into the core - of the earth not the apple.
Beauty hurts when it withdraws; before she took hers 
I had never known that it was possible.



 

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Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: water on hot rock

Post by Mark » Thu Jun 04, 2020 5:04 am

Wow, I never saw this while I was dropping my comment-version in the other thread first - and I'm glad that i didn't. Very similar take. Nice. 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: water on hot rock

Post by Dave » Thu Jun 04, 2020 10:45 am

Hey Mark
Still think your edit works best.
Dave
 

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: water on hot rock

Post by indar » Fri Jun 05, 2020 11:33 am

I watch water dribble on stone and die
in the heat of midday and doubt my sanity.
She swore she loved me and I swore I knew. 
She was beautiful, not in a conventional way
women are beautiful but rather as you experience 
ripples threading their way across a lake
in which the water is burrowing deeper
and deeper into the core - of the earth not the apple.
Beauty hurts when it withdraws; before she took hers 
I had never known that it was possible.

You have two fine poems here. There's a phantom pain involved in the separation of the two parts. I read the original  several times before the surgery and wondered what the parts had to do with one another and still wonder if I am missing something: This first seems a straightforward loss of love poem as it stands but now I keep wondering if I was missing something. The analogy to water evaporation contrasts well with the fulness of lake water imagery. Water burrowing to the core sets up the tension of two opposites --taking in and losing. Excellent. Then there is the introduction of the apple--an allusion to Eve --that temptress--and we know where THAT went. Wonderful write.


 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: water on hot rock

Post by Dave » Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:47 am

Hey Linda
I'll bet you anything you missed nothing. The original poem had more to do with communication and the innate gaps that exist between lived life and the words that describe it. That part has been decoupled in the two poem version and leaves one poem about communication, I hope, and another about love. Maybe.:-)
Dave
 

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