Welcome to The Tangled Branch!  Join us.

Two bedrooms and a bath

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Post Reply
indar
Posts: 1892
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by indar » Sat Jul 04, 2020 3:30 pm

Two Bedrooms and a Bath

Most of the spare room houses book shelves and a desk
but they keep a small bed against the wall
in case someone might decide to visit: stay the night--
perhaps a family member.

They take turns in the bathroom. She goes first
while he checks the locks, switches off the lights out front,
drinks a glass of water with his bp pills.

They quietly undress in their darkened room,
there is only tenderness in the way they hold
one another's hands entwining fingers between them
on the bed they share, waiting for sleep to come.

User avatar
Mark
Posts: 388
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by Mark » Mon Jul 06, 2020 5:26 pm

An enjoyable read. Nice writing. Engaging. Gentle. The prosaic writ profound.
Just something about that second last line that doesn't read right to me. 

Dave
Posts: 969
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by Dave » Tue Jul 07, 2020 8:13 pm

Linda
I did enjoy this but do think it needs some paring. For example in the first line I do think that it would be enough to write
the spare room houses shelves and a desk,
a bed they keep against the wall
in case a family member stays the night.

As examples. This a sweet scene but it does not need all the words to make it poignant.
IMO
Dave

Matty11
Posts: 639
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by Matty11 » Wed Jul 08, 2020 1:39 am

I like this too Linda. There is a fragility in their solitude that is touching. The pacing of the writing worked for me, the delivery pitched to a life of slowtime.

one another's hands entwining fingers between them
on the bed they share, waiting for sleep to come.

I like the connection there, a togetherness...perhaps in sleeplessness, perhaps this is the last gesture of physical contact, perhaps facing that final sleep as one. An echo of Larkin's poem:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... undel-tomb

what are bp pills?

best

Phil

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by poet-e » Sat Jul 11, 2020 12:15 am

I liked it very much, esp. " one another's hands entwining fingers between them"

An older couple in a small house that collected a lifetime of stuff...

Dave
Posts: 969
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 4:07 pm

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by Dave » Sat Jul 11, 2020 9:47 am

bp pills = blood pressure pills

indar
Posts: 1892
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by indar » Mon Jul 13, 2020 2:57 pm

Thank you everyone who read and commented on this poem. 

Every afternoon,  Nicole Wallace, on her show "Deadline Whitehouse" commemorates the lives of one or two people who died from Covid . She told of a couple, married over 60 years, who led full and giving lives, were hospitalized together. They died within minutes of one another. I didn't want to write about covid specifically. Yeah it can use some work but it will take me a while to get back to it. 

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by poet-e » Mon Jul 13, 2020 11:47 pm

indar wrote:
Mon Jul 13, 2020 2:57 pm
Thank you everyone who read and commented on this poem. 

Every afternoon,  Nicole Wallace, on her show "Deadline Whitehouse" commemorates the lives of one or two people who died from Covid . She told of a couple, married over 60 years, who led full and giving lives, were hospitalized together. They died within minutes of one another. I didn't want to write about covid specifically. Yeah it can use some work but it will take me a while to get back to it. 

Such a sad/powerful story in and of itself.  Perhaps an epigraph or dedication?

User avatar
Mark
Posts: 388
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: Two bedrooms and a bath

Post by Mark » Thu Jul 16, 2020 8:52 pm

How appropriate to their mutual lifetime that they should pass together. A heartfelt tribute, Linda.

Post Reply