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adulthood

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

adulthood

Post by Dave » Tue Aug 18, 2020 4:57 am

Another re-write:

Adulthood

A yellow ball
bounces downstairs 
and out the door

I lock inside
my mother' s voice

the warmest sound
universes can muster

and reach my hand
to the indifferent stars

 

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: adulthood

Post by Matty11 » Wed Aug 19, 2020 9:39 am

Evocative Dave. Like the inside/outside, close/warmth/distant/cold, and the sonics of mother/muster - for the 'm' sound perhaps 'the cosmos' rather than universes. The human relationships give meaning/comfort...and the sense of loss.

best

Phil

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: adulthood

Post by Dave » Wed Aug 19, 2020 2:19 pm

Thanks Matty
Cosmos is a great idea, thanks.
Dave
 

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Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: adulthood

Post by Colm Roe » Thu Aug 20, 2020 6:49 pm

Nice poem Dave.
Maybe
the warmest sound
my universe can muster


Love this
A yellow ball
bounces downstairs
and out the door


The last S feels cliched?
You could spend your life rewriting this.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: adulthood

Post by Dave » Fri Aug 21, 2020 2:13 am

Thanks Colm
Yes you are right the ending is a cliché. Needs a rethink - lifelong rethink
Dave

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