A Day Unresolved

[penguin]

So un-asleep, the sheet’s
a beach of footprints 
waiting for the tide. 

Her shape is question-marked,
crucified, an inquisition
scales her eyes.  

Wincing at infinities,
she stares a spot
and picks at it.  

Each star a prick,
a javelin
thrown across the centuries  

makes waves
just deep enough to swim
before light breaks  

her open skin.

[indar]

Hello and welcome.

First, thank you for observing the suggestion that you critique the work of others as well as post your own. 

I would also like to get to know more about you via the welcome board but all in good time.

I usually read for content but I did notice the excellent sonics and rhythm in this first entry of yours.

The language creates a kind of cosmology and maybe for that reason I feel the subject of the poem is contemplating suicide. It's an intriguing write and I look forward to more of your work.

[Colm Roe]

So un-asleep, the sheet’s
a beach of footprints
waiting for the tide. The visuals are wonderful.

Her shape is question-marked, Nice description of the fetal position.
crucified, an inquisition
scales her eyes.

Wincing at infinities,
she stares a spot
and picks at it. Wince, spot, picks...great combination and arrangement.

Each star a prick,
a javelin
thrown across the centuries Once again, the visual impact here is stunning!

makes waves
just deep enough to swim
before light breaks And an un-forced, subtle finish.

I don't see suicide here. Just another day's end that we're all familiar with.
Fab first poem. So looking forward to more like this.

[Dave]

I thoroughly agree with Colm. A beautiful understated piece of poetry of the everyday moments. Looking forward to  more.
Dave
 

[penguin]

Thanks very much for the comments. It's meant to be about sleeplessness, how we torment ourselves.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Penguin,

A belated welcome to TTB. Love this poem -- so well constructed.

I agree with Indar concerning the sounds of the poem - there is a marked internal cadence and pleasant series of vowel repeats.

The frustration and self-abuse of sleeplessness comes through clearly.

Very nice!

T