Warmth in Cold Places (revised)

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Sat Feb 06, 2021 7:20 am

This is a marvellous poem. It evokes the experience of the place so intensely, the feel, smell, taste and idea of the tarn. Great sounds and rhythms too. Great word choices such as blister.
If I had suggestions, perhaps just changing the first melting to melt L3. Not sure about 'taunts its tricks since that suggests the tricks are being taunted and that is not want you mean, I guess. The wind's tricks taunt, perhaps.
But these are minor aspects of a hugely enjoyable read.

Dave

AlienFlower · Post by **AlienFlower** » Sat Feb 06, 2021 8:08 am

Matty, I'm entirely drawn into this mystical narrative; I'd love to hear you read it aloud! Your word choice is so alive—as Dave mentioned, blister(s), broods. I especially liked the images of "no signpost but this cairn—a mocking finger" and "The stone I grasp listens, waits and weighs my purpose."

Just a few questions that in no way detract from the poem as a whole: How about explaining at the beginning whether the half-light is dusk or dawn? And are you missing a WITH in "the wind taunts (with) its tricks of howling..."?

To me, this section is an awkward transition: "Chant and prayer, prayer and chant, at the end, do we all clutch at words? Myself?" I wonder if you'd like to consider losing it, and not having a transition at all.

Magnificent ending! Enjoyed reading this.

Jackie

Post by **indar** » Sat Feb 06, 2021 11:38 am

Hi Phil,

We've exchanged comments and critiques for years, yet it came as a surprise to me to "hear" your voice in this write. The theme seems ageless as a verbally transmitted story from the mists of time. As written it reads slowly and ponderously as a steep climb. And then another surprise in the fab ending--warmth and coffee, present time. Enjoyed the read greatly.

Gyppo · Post by **Gyppo** » Sat Feb 06, 2021 1:25 pm

I'm not going to analyse this one at all. It just speaks to me at a deep elemental level.

I can hear the clan storyteller, reciting it in measured tones around a campfire, to an audience of quietly nodding heads, silently acknowledging the shared memories.

Gyppo

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sun Feb 07, 2021 2:44 am

Thanks Dave, Jackie, Linda and G. Pleased you enjoyed and appreciate the encouragement. You never know if a poem communicates, so much depends on thoughtful readers!

And are you missing a WITH in "the wind taunts (with) its tricks of howling..."?

I think you are right Jackie and Dave wasn't happy with that line either. I've taken your suggestion, will ponder cutting those 'transition' lines too.

cheers

Phil

Post by **Colm Roe** » Sat Feb 20, 2021 3:49 am

Wonderful poem Phil, it gripped me immediately. Some fantastic turns of phrase, especially in the opening lines, but the whole poem sparkles.
Very well done.

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sat Feb 20, 2021 7:07 am

Colm good to see you about! Pleased you found some sparkle in the poem.

all the best

Phil

Post by **Tracy Mitchell** » Sat Feb 20, 2021 6:53 pm

Sorry I am so late to the party, Phil.
This is a wonderful poem, so full of warmth and humanness.

I have no nits to pick and no thoughts about any changes.

Love this conclusion:

. . . . The stone I grasp
listens, waits and weighs my purpose.
I lay my hope on the cairn, a gesture
to return with you and bring warmth
to cold places. Your laughter will be coffee,
our secret joy will be a clear sky.

TrevorConway · Post by **TrevorConway** » Fri Feb 26, 2021 1:51 pm

Hi Phil,

Nice poem. Interesting subject and treatment. I found the pace/flow too fast for the subject it deals with, so I'd suggest slowing it down a bit. More details on that below.

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.

T

Bold = delete

The tarn shivers. Overhead a ribbon of rooks
blister the quiet. Here, the half-light teases [Blistering the quiet is ballsy and inventive, but maybe a touch too far, not sure, but anyway, I think a softer opening with the half-light suits the poem better, and maybe the blitering could come somehwere later]
with rumours, stones melting to shadows,
melting into stones. The climb beckons.
I ascend, back bent, comma'd, [or "back bent to a comma"? Nice image, by the way] trusting
a thinning path of giddy inclines, crags
and crevices, clefts bearded with myth. [Wow, I love beared with myth. It's fantastic even though it did leave me wondering if you had moss in mind, with the moss being mythic somehow. Either way, despite any lack of clarity, briliant]
The rock ahead broods like a humpback
beached and barnacled in glacial solitude. [Enough scene-setting has been done, and ending the first verse with the beard image, if you add verse divisions, would be great]

[Verse break to reflect the big shift in focus]

My straying ways have led me here - [or just "Straying has led me here"? "Straying ways" feels like a cliche for some reason]
without a map, compass, and no signpost
but this cairn – a stubby finger
seemingly stacked by bile not purpose. [Not clear to me, and neither is a cairm. Use this line to describe the cairn more instead?]
The mist clears, the wind taunts with tricks
of howling and moaning and anger
until I hear the prayer of hands that lay [put "the stones" up here instead?]
the stones. Cuiridh mi clach air do chàrn,
sang the clansmen, but none did return. [or "none returned"? Feels like suddenly archaic phrasing]

[Verse break]

Chant and prayer, prayer and chant, [Nice reflection of the repetition, works well]
at the end, do we all clutch at words? [or "like us all, clutching at words"?]
Myself? I have a whim to scrawl [or "Myself, I..."]
your word sheiling. The stone I grasp
listens, waits and weighs my purpose.
I lay my hope on the cairn, a gesture
to return with you and bring warmth
to cold places. Your laughter will be coffee,
our secret joy will be a clear sky. [Nice ending]

The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

For writers and readers of poetry