Dry Season Scrimmage

[AlienFlower]

White starched shirts 

preen like egrets in branches 

aloft from the fray. 

In the 35 degree sun, 

gray-shorts-clad boys scramble 

dust-covered, cheering, 

after the sweaty ball.

At the bell

dust swirls desist. 

Players claim their shirts and launch

departure taunts into the still air. 

They hover like flight calls.

The field seems so bare,

with egrets no longer there.

[indar]

Hi Jackie,

This write could apply to a number of situations: covid school closings first comes to mind but a mother of grown children might have written it as well. 

Some fine sonics and imagery in this write, I look forward to more from you.
 

[Matty11]

White starched shirts
 preen like egrets in branches
 aloft from the fray. 

That's a thought prompting opening image Jackie. Egrets do have a stiffness and aloofness that fits the starched/aloft parallels of shirts in branches. I do like the assonance you have threaded with preen/egrets, though I haven't made that imaginative leap of shirts preening, I acknowledge it could be in the poet's mind's eye.

In the 35 degree sun,
 gray-shorts-clad boys scramble
 dust-covered, cheering,
 after the sweaty ball.
At the bell
dust devils desist. 
 

I like how 'sweatiness' is a feature of the ball rather than the more obvious boys. It emphasizes the heat. The uniformity of gray shorts and white shirts conveys to me school children as does the bell. dust/desist is a nice sonic play, 'dust devils desist' (just a thought).

Players claim their shirts and launch
departure taunts into the still air.
They hover like flight calls.
The field seems so bare.
 

Again you have nicely threaded the soundscape - launch/taunt an example - but is bare/there too easy a rhyme to finish your poem? And the image of the egrets was in the branches not on the field. I do like the more subtle thread of 'flight calls'.

thanks for sharing, I enjoyed being taken to another place (it is just below zero degrees here!)

Phil

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Jackie,

Awesome first post.

It reads aloud so nicely. The vowel repeats are pleasant, and there is a gentle intermittent cadence. And I like the egrets, stand-ins initially for the shirts, then the boys.

On first read the use of Celsius was not immediately evident to me. The shorts and sweat quickly made it clear, however.

The "f"'s of L. 3 work well. As does the launch / taunts repeat.

Love the enjambment at L. 10 -- well done.

If you are not happy with the 'dust' repeat (L.6 & L.9) - maybe 'grime' would work in L. 6. -- dirt on sweating skin I think makes for grime rather than dust, and the repeat is gone.

L. 9 -- "desist" technically accurate, but it doesn't feel right word. Perhaps -- collapse, deflate, fail, give way, or fall. Just a thought.

With every 14-liner I need to wonder if it is intended as a modern sonnet -- which I understand is comprised of 14 unmetered and unrhymed lines. I am guessing not, as there is a stellar ABAA rhyme-scheme appearing in the last four lines. It is a real nice wrap up to the poem.

Just my thoughts -- take or leave.

Cheers.

T

[AlienFlower]

Thanks so much Linda, Phil and T, for taking the time to look at this poem, and T, what magnificent nesting egrets! The egrets we're familiar with here, though, (Bubulcus ibis) while also white are not prone to startling movements—they follow grazing livestock and ride their backs picking off insects. They are in fact the size of boys' shirts and in my mind easily associated with the idea of keeping things clean.

I very much appreciated your specific commentary, Phil and T. It will help a lot in revising this. 

Jackie
 

[Dave]

I enjoyed the poem a lot. A different kind of topic handled differently and imaginatively. I wonder whether line 1 would work just as well without white and line without the sitting on branches. Then the birds are in motion as the boys are.
Dave

[Colm Roe]

What a wonderful opening.
A simple scene described with such a light touch, it was a pleasure to read.
The only line that snagged for me was
'grey-shorts-clad boys'

[AlienFlower]

I'm happy you both found something to like in this poem.

Dave, what a magnificent idea! Definitely going to try it out.

Colm, thanks for letting me know the flow is off on that line.

Jackie

[TrevorConway]

Hi Jackie,

I found some things to like here, but for me, the tone was too...I suppose airy or philosophical is what I'm getting at...a bit of a lack of focus, too many extra phrases and details getting in the way or the poem you wanted to write. A sharper focus and a shorter poem might be the way to go. Some speciics below. Hope it helps.

Trev

White starched shirts 
preen like egrets in branches [Nice image, as others have mentioned. I did wonder, though, whether the shirts were in the branches, so just to be sure, how about adding "on clothes lines" to the end of the first line. The rhythm still works well for me, anyway]
aloft from the fray. [Delete. Redundant line]
In the 35 degree sun, [Delete line]
gray-shorts-clad boys scramble [Phrasing felt awkward; maybe "boys in gray shorts scramble, cheering,"?
dust-covered, cheering, [Delete line?]
after the [or "a"?] sweaty ball.
At the bell
dust swirls desist. [Delete last 2 lines and use a stanza break to suggest the passage of time instead]
Players claim their shirts and launch
departure taunts into [or "to" for a better rhythm?] the still air. [You can do better than "still". Be more descriptive or remove the adjective altogether]
They hover like flight calls. [or continue the sentence for a better flow: "that hover like..."]
The field seems so bare, [delete "so"]
with egrets no longer there. [replace "with" with "its"...so, were there actually egrets there all along, or are you using the egrets metaphor for the shirts again? If the ltter, I'd say refer to them simply as "shirts" or "garments" here]