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Residue

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TrevorConway
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Residue

Post by TrevorConway » Tue Feb 09, 2021 1:45 pm

 
When a pillar of water
descends from a tap to spread over steel,
suds will germinate from green sludge,
and they will evolve to a billowing creature
of visible cells. 

Into its belly, you will shove a rabble
of plastic, steel and ceramic,
maybe even wood.Warm water will persuade your hands to blush
as if embarrassed at all this mess,
all these smears and rags of food
that once were a carcass 
– still are, in fact. 

Don’t be alarmed,
with a wire pad under your knuckles,
that you might bruise the pan.
The worst you’ll manage is a silver scar
where black detritus once thrived.
Every pan, dish and pot
bears the wrath of zealous flames,
and one day, will seem to you,
in a rare kitchen epiphany,
beyond the tasks you ask of it. 

Despite your frantic shuffling of cutlery,
when you have lifted the plug and admired
plates, glasses and bowls
set to dry like a gleaming city after a visit of rain,
the last suds,
frail as feathery dandelion seeds,
will retreat,
and hours later, you will find
a knife smudged with butter.  

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Residue

Post by Matty11 » Wed Feb 10, 2021 2:51 am

An imaginative experience of the ordinary Trevor, a timeless purpose of writing (especially with these lockdowns into the familiar). Whether the poem progresses beyond that poet's mind filter doesn't matter for me because I enjoyed the ambition of the language. And after all, writing is flat without that ambition. Of course, my tastes are for less modifiers, but I acknowledge that is my taste and the poem does allow for such expression in the context.

Anyway some detailed thoughts:

S1. The 'green' made be think of veg., but does thread with the notion of 'germinate';  'pillar' makes me think of something concrete rather than flowing. May I suggest for hyperbole, and a biblical nudge, 'behemoth' for 'creature'.

S2. Love the the use of 'rabble'. The use of 'blush' is a creative conceit too, though visually the line is long. Also like 'rags'. 

A possible prune for more dynamic to:

Into its belly, you will shove a rabble
of plastic, steel and ceramic,
maybe even wood. Water will cause
your hands to blush,
embarrassed
by
all these smears and rags of food
that once were a carcass 
– still are, in fact. 

The next strophe nudges some biblical notions, but I felt the imagery was ironic humour, after all you are in a kitchen! Are 'epiphanies' by defintion 'rare'?

The highlight in the final strope was the 'gleaming city' image. The pursuit of cleaniness, like the fight against all evils :) , is earthbound by everyday living. The concluding note duly grounded that fact!

Did you have any specific concerns about the write?

enjoyed

Phil

TrevorConway
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Re: Residue

Post by TrevorConway » Sat Feb 13, 2021 1:43 pm

Hi Phil,

Many thanks for your feedback It's much-appreciated. Lots to consider there, which I'll do when i get round to editing this.

All the best,

Trev

Dave
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Re: Residue

Post by Dave » Sun Feb 14, 2021 5:19 am

I am intrigued by the use of 'will' throughout. It gives the poem an element of instruction but leaves it unclear to whom. I wonder how the poem might sound if just using present simple.
At the beginning before 'food' arrived I had misled myself into believing the poem was about something much bigger and grander like a steel mill - probably just the effect of the word steel in S1 and the apparent scale of the words used. 
Like Matty loved the blush. 
 

indar
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Re: Residue

Post by indar » Tue Feb 16, 2021 9:58 am

I agree this is an imaginative venture into a sink full of dishwater. I also wonder, as does Dave, why not use the simple present tense?

That butter can certainly cling to a knife through it all despite all effort at washing. Its even worse in clothing. I understand how that, like all else in this write, is part of daily life, in this case a little frustration. But the ending is a bit of a let-down---it seems tossed off after the rest of a fine descriptive write.



 

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Mark
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Re: Residue

Post by Mark » Tue Feb 16, 2021 11:49 pm

Adroit writing that offers an alternative perspective on the mundane. (I get through dishwashing by propping my phone on a shelf and listening to radio prank call recordings.)
I'm wondering about the plural/singular confusion in S3 with 'pan, dish and pot' ending as 'it'.
I enjoyed the read. Welcome. 

TrevorConway
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Re: Residue

Post by TrevorConway » Wed Feb 17, 2021 2:01 pm

Hi Dave, Indar and Mark,

Thanks for the feedback. I'll review those linguistic/tense issues soon and try to make things less awkward.

All the best,

Trev

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