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Greens on Rice

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AlienFlower
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Greens on Rice

Post by AlienFlower » Sat Feb 13, 2021 3:13 am

(to my mother-in-law)
 
“Me take lunch? I’d rather teach!” I’d say.
So always Friday after school I knew
you'd keep a plate for me. Of course it would 
be greens and rice, your favorite, kept aside.
You'd mock yourself: “It’s just the same old stuff
spiced up today; in fact, most days this week.”
Some days I’d find you’d shared my plate with friends
and knew the one you served me was your own.
When I cook greens it's with your guidance now.
The leaves shout out to me from market stalls.
Your hands on mine (yours were so fine and small!)
compel—they tell me “Pour!” and when to stop.
You proffered food to all who came by door
but I share mine with those who've gone before.

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Tracy Mitchell
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Re: Greens on Rice

Post by Tracy Mitchell » Sat Feb 13, 2021 2:24 pm

Hi Jackie,

Real nice sonnet, and the subject sounds like a real nice woman.
The N now has MIL’s voice in her own head, triggered by the preparation of greens and rice. The remembrance of her kindness, and of course her culinary efforts.

Good job with the iambs, and the occasional anapests lend some lightness. This is very readable as a whole.

Line 13 is a bit awkward, but I have no alternative wording suggestions.
I think that is the cost of keeping the otherwise very endearing closing end-rhymes.

Have you considered a stanza break following L.8? I think it might have some utility.

Last thought -- L.14 - consider using "she" rather than "those" -- i.e. ". . . I share mine with she who's gone before." I am not overly confident about the legitimacy of the grammar, but the poem is about the MIL and not "others". I think it would sharpen the focus. Just a thought.

Cheers.

T

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Greens on Rice

Post by indar » Tue Feb 16, 2021 1:00 pm

What a wonderful tribute to your mother-in-law. It stirred my old, conflicted feelings about mine: so much so that I went to an old writers forum and dug up a poem I wrote about her and reposted it here. 

Thanks to Tracy I can appreciate your write even more now that he called my attention to the form. It has to be a pantoum or something else equally obvious before I notice such things :) :)  

Matty11
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Re: Greens on Rice

Post by Matty11 » Tue Feb 16, 2021 11:35 pm

You proffered food, all who came to the door,
Just a thought for L13 Jackie.

Enjoyed the directness and flavour of this, the speech felt authentic and it was like listening in and so connecting with them.
The leaves shout out to me from market stalls.
I was there!

Very much enjoyed

Phil

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Mark
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: Greens on Rice

Post by Mark » Tue Feb 16, 2021 11:40 pm

I'm not convinced about the form but it is a good narrative that flows well. Welcome.

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