Overgrowth

[TrevorConway]

Tell me, how hard does the wind blow
through the holes of your bent roof,
the drooping wood of your windows?
Your chimney’s stubborn like a wart,
but it, too, will succumb
to the slow clamour of leaves,
swallowed by the green belly of the land. 

You were raised for a purpose,
one you fulfilled for a time.
Now, few stop
on this grassy mohawk of road
to take in your ruin and rot.
Tell me, how many of your race still stand,
dozing into green obscurity?

[indar]

First of all, for me, this raised the image of the sad old barns found in the countryside that once was farmed by families and have now succumbed to corporate farming. But I read this as a loss of a way of life far greater than just those barns---just a sense of loss---very effective, fabulous imagery, dirge cadence.

[Matty11]

Your chimney’s stubborn like a wart,

Fab line Trev. Overall, I felt that the poem didn't deliver the imaginative imagery that I've been accustomed to expect from you. I did like the slow clamour of leaves and  the green belly of the land, but the bent roof and drooping wood were ordinary. Like the notion of dozing into green obscurity.

cheers

Phil

[Tracy Mitchell]

I very much like the poem, and the way it is addressed to the abandoned house.

The faint nod to the fact that it was once a home -- S.2 L. 1&2 - should either be vastly expanded, or deleted. My inclination would be to delete, and leave the focus on what the structure now is -- dying bones.

S.1 L.2 -- expiring roof / surrendering roof

"green belly of the land" - awesome.

[AlienFlower]

Hi Trevor,

 

I had trouble with this, and I’m not sure if it’s just me or not. I like reflecting on history, so like old buildings for what they reveal about the past. Sometimes I like seeing what new life springs from decay. In this poem, though, I don't see the point; the big picture. Especially because it’s in the 2nd person, it feels like we’re throwing accusations at the ruin/victim for having done something wrong. We're telling it that it deserves to decay.

 

On second thought, I wonder if the word “race” in the second-to-last line means this poem is in fact intended to be a vilifying accusation; that the old farmhouse is a metaphor for a race that N would like to see done away with. I certainly hope I'm wrong.

 

Jackie

[TrevorConway]

Hi Indar, Phil, Tracy and Jackie,

Much obliged for all yere feedback. Some decent points to consider there when i go at editing this. Re "race", Jackie, I just meant is as an alternative to "type". Type seemed bland, as did many synonyms, and I always like to use interesting language, as it's one of the things poetry does best, I think. "Race" seemed like the ideal choice, though hopefully not too misleading. Thanks for pointing that out.

T

[Colm Roe]

I enjoyed this Trevor.
I agree with Tracy regarding the adjective for 'roof'. If I was to suggest an alternative it would be 'tired'.
I'm unsure about whether the last two lines are really needed?
Minor nits in a rather nice poem.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Colm,

Thanks for commentiong. Yes, I think "tired" is the word for it. Tracy's comment showed me that "bent" was just too bland and boring.

Much-obliged,

Trev

[indar]

swayback? or is that too trite?

[TrevorConway]

Thanks, Indar. That's another adjective for the roof, is it? It's a term I haven't heard before.

Trev