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New-born

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TrevorConway
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Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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New-born

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Mar 04, 2021 1:48 pm

4am: craving rest,
your aching arm could wither soon,
rocking a child you half regret,
unable to hold this tune,
you’re losing time, leaking sense,
on speaking terms with the moon,
but somehow,
the night
will pass.
 
Steering a life is hard,
though you’ll find a kind of fuel
in smiles and cries, thickening hair,  
when your molten emotions cool.
You might wound those close to you,
and regret that you’ve been so cruel,
but there’s infinite time
to mend your words.
 
Awful nights will break you.
Days undone will do it, too,
anchored to a life without character.
Sometimes, murky moods
will sink your belief and your courage,
but you’ll do as only you can do,
and you’ll find yourself in the clearing
with a child who teaches you
how to see life anew.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: New-born

Post by Matty11 » Fri Mar 05, 2021 1:27 am

Has a sense of in the moment writing Trev., which gives a pleasing sense of fresh immediacy.

S1 Like the specific time of L1 for context setting. L3 has an honesty that parents often park. Love the moon line.

S2 L1 sounds a little too moany to empathise? I like the fuel notion. I feel molten is not needed, overwritten. I don't understand infinite in this context.

S3 Awful, the modifier is not needed, the poem is already communicating that fact. I feel S3 is rather moralising and lacking in poetry, but that could be my tastes.

Overall, I found S1 the most emotionally connecting.

cheers

Phil

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: New-born

Post by Dave » Sat Mar 06, 2021 1:40 pm

As with another of your recent poems I am intrigued by the choice of second person for the poem. The content seems to be personal experieence and yet second person removes the N and therefore the reader one step away from the immediacy of personal experience. At least, it works that way for me. Cools the poem.
I am also curious about the rhymes, which follow a similar pattern in the first two stanzas and alter their rhythm in stanza three. They add a slightly sing-songy element which could echo the singing and humming to a child (or not).

I would look at the proliferation of do in stanza 3 as the word is a little inexpressive in such quantity especially since they are given some prominence through their rhyming with you.

Dave
 

TrevorConway
Posts: 210
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: New-born

Post by TrevorConway » Mon Mar 08, 2021 2:40 am

Hi Phil and Dave,

Many thanks for the feedback. Good points on "do", Dave. I'll try to counteract it. Yes, the gentle rhyme scheme was to reflect the luling of a baby to sleep without being too blunt about it.

Phil, thanks for calling me out on the moaniness  :D  And also for mentioning the bits that worked for you - especially the moon line. I've been betwixt and between about it, sometime happy with it, sometimes wondering if it spoils the poem - a bit like Paul McCartney over his line "The moment you need is on your shoulders" in Hey Jude, until John Lennon told him it was the best line in the song...Thanks for being the Lennon to my McCartney  :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

All the best,

Trev

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