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While Trying to Think of Something to Write About (with edit)

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indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

While Trying to Think of Something to Write About (with edit)

Post by indar » Mon Mar 15, 2021 1:10 pm

edited version

The first arrival of the season
is winging it in a star pine
on my back hill. I imagine northern songbirds
gather in some South American 
jungle for a winter sing-along
and my California mockingbird stopped by
to add a few of this year's numbers.

His mock repertoire pours through my open
door: robin's spring announcement,
a gurgle-trill from redwing blackbirds
that cling to cattails thick in shallow waters,

songs I remember from the woodlands
of a life two thousand miles ago.
Five repeating notes from a Peruvian flute
and background music for kabuki theater.

***********************************************************

The first mockingbird of the season
is winging it in a star pine
on my back hill. I imagine northern
songbirds gather in some South American
jungle for a winter sing-along
and California mockingbirds stop by
to add a few of this year's numbers.

Their mock repertoire pours through my open
door: robin's spring announcement,
a gurgle-trill from redwing blackbirds
that cling to cattails thick in shallow waters,
songs I remember from the woodlands 
of a life two thousand miles ago.
Five repeating notes from a Peruvian flute
and background music for kabuki theater.
 

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About

Post by Matty11 » Tue Mar 16, 2021 7:29 am

hi Linda

Yes, the songbirds are in full-throated competition and we know spring is here - at last! Songs that take us to exotic places and memories of other times.

enjoyed Linda, though I've been tempted to tweak a few line endings...
The first mockingbird of the season
is winging it in a star pine
on my back hill. I imagine northern songbirds
gather in some South American jungle
for a winter sing-along
and California mockingbirds stop by
to add a few of this year's numbers.

Their mock repertoire pours through
my open door: robin's spring announcement,
a gurgle-trill from redwing blackbirds
that cling to cattails thick in shallow waters,
songs I remember from the woodlands
of a life two thousand miles ago.
Five repeating notes from a Peruvian flute
and background music for kabuki theater.

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About

Post by indar » Wed Mar 17, 2021 8:39 am

Thank you Phil,
Your version does read much better. I tend to overthink line breaks, for instance:

on my back hill. I imagine northern
songbirds gather in some South American


I wanted to get north and south as close to one another and as prominent as possible to play up the N's move from northern climes to the southwest.

I guess to the detriment of the flow eh?
 

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About

Post by Matty11 » Thu Mar 18, 2021 9:48 pm

I guess to the detriment of the flow eh?
I think it snaps the line, breaks it in unnatural way, but that is my taste and there are plenty of poems written in that style.

Phil

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About

Post by indar » Sat Mar 20, 2021 11:19 am

For the years I've participated in these poetry forums I've noticed comments about enjambments, many complimentary. I got out my old copy of "The Poet's Companion" and looked it up. I've tried to use it to my advantage but as you say it looks broken. Maybe I still don't really know how to use it effectively. Still, it might be worth discussing further.

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