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unspeakable

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Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

unspeakable

Post by Dave » Wed Mar 24, 2021 1:21 pm

Variation

Fleeing the Flood

You abandon footprints
on the stone kitchen floor:

in from the garden,
like a child under water
with your mouth open
not drowning, just mouthing,
there is nowhere to go now.

I catch you as you fall,
embaressed by the drama
of your collapse.

My voice dries.
One of us is cold,


We huddle against rising water,
while time swirls 
circular rather than linear,
our breath held as we wait

for nature to decide
the direction of the wind
to lessen the weight of the rain.

We, the earthiest of elements.

Original

You flee the unspeakable flood,
abandon a trail of wet footprints
on the stone kitchen floor:

in from the garden, like a child
under water
breathing with your mouth open
not drowning, just mouthing,
there is nowhere to go now.

I catch you as you fall, affected
by the strange drama
of the gesture of collapse,
embarrassed. My voice dry.
One of us is cold,
it is not clear, which.

We slump in a heap,
as the waters rise. Time swirls,
circular rather than linear,
our breath
held as we wait

for the direction of the wind,
nature to decide. Listen
for changes
in the weight of the rain.

We, the earthiest of elements,
stranded.
Last edited by Dave on Fri Mar 26, 2021 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Matty11
Posts: 1585
Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: unspeakable

Post by Matty11 » Thu Mar 25, 2021 5:41 am

Enjoyed this Dave. I had a sense of human vulnerability, limitations, of being unable to control events. On a simple level, in lockdown,I feel  a sodden garden is a loss of a significant refuge. On a metaphorical level, I took the 'drowning' has being overwhelmed, the implications of confinement in a relationship.
not drowning, just mouthing,
Is this leaning too much on Stevie Smith...a distraction?
by the strange drama
of the gesture of collapse,
embarrassed. My voice dry.
Like the dry/wet contrast.  Loved the expression 'gesture of collapse' and the pent-up psychology of being 'embarrassed'. Also liked circular rather than linear,  unable to make decisions to break that cycle.

best

Phil

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: unspeakable

Post by Dave » Thu Mar 25, 2021 6:18 am

Thanks Matty
I am really happy there are things in the poem that work for you, that gives me a lot of comfort. Writing does not come easy these days. The poem is not meant specifically to act as a metaphor for a relationship but I am perfectly happy if you see it that way, especially since the poem is indeed about the relationship of people to people and people to nature and elements of nature to each other.
Dave
 

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: unspeakable

Post by indar » Thu Mar 25, 2021 10:21 am

Hi Dave,
First I want to respond to your comment about difficulty writing. I have posted and deleted poems here lately. That is something I've never done before. In the past I've felt that there is, at least something salvageable in a write and often I find it after I post and get feedback. I might just as well repost the stock market reports lately (no idea what they mean).

That said, this poem of yours must be a breakthrough. I did read it as a single, intrapersonal relationship but I see it can be applied to the way we relate world wide. It's even better read that way. I wonder if the point might be better made with a different title.

I always look forward to your posts.

AlienFlower
Posts: 475
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 9:32 am
Contact:

Re: unspeakable

Post by AlienFlower » Thu Mar 25, 2021 11:05 am

Hi Dave,

Responses here about metaphorical meanings are interesting to me but my instinct was to take this quite literally. Our back yard floods every March/April and I could see us huddled on the floor in our kitchen. 

Personally, I would prefer S1 to begin, "You abandon a trail of wet footprints..." and let the poem give meaning to this event without summarizing it in a word (unspeakable). In the same way, I would eliminate the last word in the poem; "stranded" feels inadequate to describe what they are going through. 

S3 leaves me breathless, it has so many shades of meaning. 
S4—does "as the waters rise" go with "We slump in a heap" (kind of bizarre) or with "Time swirls"?

Not sure I agree with all your line breaks but I so enjoyed the poetry here.

Jackie
 

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: unspeakable

Post by Dave » Fri Mar 26, 2021 2:44 am

Thanks for the comments, all useful, generous and kind. I am not married to the title by any means nor the first line and line breaks. I am happy to try out other variations.
 

TrevorConway
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Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
Contact:

Re: unspeakable

Post by TrevorConway » Sat Mar 27, 2021 2:46 am

Hi Dave,

I prefer the original. It's easier to grasp/engage with. The poem did strike me as metaphorical (though a metaphor for what I didn't know), as it feels unlikely that your intention was to write about two people drowning in a flood. More feddback below. Hope it helps,

Trev


You flee the unspeakable flood, [nice phrase, "unspeakable flood"]
abandon a trail of wet footprints
on the stone kitchen floor:
[delete stanza break]
in from the garden, like a child [a better simile if possible]
under water
breathing with your mouth open
not drowning, just mouthing,
there is nowhere to go now.

[By this point, it seems like a fairly surreal depiction of drowning, and it has a nice vibe]

I catch you as you fall [cliche; also, aren't they underwater? Catching seems the wrong word if underwater], affected
by the strange drama
of the gesture of collapse, [Nice phrase, but delete "of"]
embarrassed. My voice dry. [delete line]
One of us is cold,
it is not clear, which. ["It's not clear which" or "I'm not sure which". Comma before "which" is unnecessary]

We slump in a heap,
as the waters rise. Time swirls,
circular rather than linear,
our breath
held as we wait
[delete stanza break]
for the direction of the wind, [By this point, it feels like they're not underwater, or else alive and coherent for a very long time underwater, which seems unlikely. I migth be missing a detail somewhere, but it's confusing that they now seem to not be underwater]
[add "for"] nature to decide.

[Add stanza break and change line breaks as below (I applied this for convenience)]

Listen for changes
in the weight of the rain.
[delete stanza break]
We, the earthiest of elements,
[add "are"] stranded.

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