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Her Old Watering Can

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Matty11
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Her Old Watering Can

Post by Matty11 » Thu Jul 15, 2021 5:06 am

gone to publ land
Last edited by Matty11 on Wed Nov 17, 2021 2:20 am, edited 4 times in total.

Dave
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Re: Mum's Old Watering Can

Post by Dave » Fri Jul 16, 2021 6:59 am

Overall I like the picture painted here and admire the brevity, though it leaves somethings perhaps a bit too condensed.
The first stanza for example, I guess, tells us that there is no dawn chorus BECAUSE it is too urban and there are many cats (nice idea with the meaows). However, it equally suggests the dawn chorus is too urban. The third verse seems weirdly positioned in the poem and oddly worded. I would drop the prepositions and turn boasting into boasts. Perhaps some small acknowledgement that the Robin is th eonly bird to sing in contrast to S1.
I am having difficulty in placing how the last line of S4 fits with the rest of the stanza.
In the last stanza you might not ' a gesture'

I would also play around, which you probably have done with the order of events.

Good read

Matty11
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Re: Mum's Old Watering Can

Post by Matty11 » Sat Jul 17, 2021 8:20 am

Thanks Dave. I've made a few edits in regard to your feedback.

cheers

Phil

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Colm Roe
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Re: Mum's Old Watering Can

Post by Colm Roe » Wed Jul 21, 2021 7:25 pm

The revised version is better.
I like the subtle way the mum is applied here; just a word in the title and a vague nod to one of her signature dishes.
Although I'm thinking it might be better if the title was 'Her Old Watering Can' and you introduced her later by saying something
like 'Perhaps Mum's favourite dish later,'
I see the 'watering' as being a metaphor for memories, e.g. 'watering in dusk' is a way of saying that the N will never forget his parent.
'We water overgrown bramble,
and that stubborn fern,
and those annoying dandelions.' is the N remembering honestly...she wasn't perfect.
The last two lines finish it so well, great use of 'gesture'.
Really like this poem.

Matty11
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Re: Mum's Old Watering Can

Post by Matty11 » Thu Jul 22, 2021 10:51 pm

Thanks Colm for the thumbs up on the revision and pleased you enjoyed. I like your suggestion, prompted another option, though I need to ponder more on the title (I feel its present clarity sets the tone).

cheers

Phil

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Colm Roe
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Re: Mum's Old Watering Can

Post by Colm Roe » Fri Jul 23, 2021 4:10 am

One of the reasons for removing Mum from the title is that when I see it in a title the first thing I think is 'Oh God, not more maudlin crap!'
Of course that's not the case here :)

Matty11
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Re: Her Old Watering Can

Post by Matty11 » Sat Jul 24, 2021 8:09 am

e reasons for removing Mum from the title is that when I see it in a title the first thing I think is 'Oh God, not more maudlin crap!'
:shock: :)

AlienFlower
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Re: Her Old Watering Can

Post by AlienFlower » Thu Aug 05, 2021 10:16 am

Hi Phil,
 
My reading of this taps into my experience of keeping the family house, which initially meant continuing the folks’ habits, using the implements at hand, and wondering for the first time what they got out of doing all these things like watering a less-than-perfect garden twice a day. It wows me that you have used one of the implements in my garage to represent this whole concept.
 
I also like that N seems to have discovered that what Mum really loved about watering was the birds. Watering the garden dusk? Stunning! I’ll remember that last stanza.
 
Enjoyed very much,
 
Jackie

Matty11
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Re: Her Old Watering Can

Post by Matty11 » Thu Aug 05, 2021 12:16 pm

Thank you Jackie. Very much appreciate your sensitive insights. Great that the poem connects in this way with you.

all the best

Phil

indar
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Re: Her Old Watering Can

Post by indar » Sun Aug 08, 2021 3:35 pm

I enjoyed this Phil, 

There is much satisfaction in carrying on a tradition that was so loved by preceding generations. Whether its maintaining the garden or something else, the poem is relatable. Sometimes one has to live quite a while to reach full appreciation.

I much prefer the new title and the revision overall.

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