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Going home

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Mark
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Going home

Post by Mark » Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:33 pm

.
And the life you lived within
the ego of the body electric
went down quickly, a clock
falling away from a tower

you paused at the crossing
and laughed at the religions  
bobbling like colorful balloons
beneath a clay cartoon ceiling

and the reflections you found
in recollection of your years
were all the simple images
mirrored in love and joy

at the gateway to your tree
of self, in an endless garden
of circling time and branches,
was the message you had left.  





 

TrevorConway
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Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2021 2:30 pm
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Re: Going home

Post by TrevorConway » Fri Nov 05, 2021 2:48 am

Hi Mark,

Very nice work. Some very engaging, interesting phrases. What disengaged me as the poem went on, though, was the tone. It just felt too samey, and some change of tone would make a huge difference, I think. Framing it as one sentence didn't help, so it might be worth looking at splitting it up into a few sentences. The title could also be improved, as it feels a bit bland to me. Some more specifics below. Hope they help.

I really enjoyed this read despite the suggestions for change. It's great stuff.

Trev 


And the life you lived within
the ego of the body electric
went down quickly, a clock
falling away from a tower [Fantastic opening lines, but maybe "like a clock"?]

you paused at the crossing [new sentence? "You..."; "crossing" could be clearer/more descriptive]
and laughed at the religions  
bobbing like colorful balloons
beneath a clay cartoon ceiling [Great description of religions, though I'm probably missing some of your exact meaning. The clay cartoon ceiling makes me think of a painted chapel, maybe the Sistine Chapel, hence religion used for tourism...This may be totally unintended on your part, just my interpretation]

[Here is where you could really break things up nicely. Could any questions be posed? Or, instead of simply describing "you", broaden things out for a verse or two to deal with society/people more generally? Any room for anger, regret, fear, admiration, pity?]

and the reflections you found
in your hourglass of eternity [Not crazy on "hourglass of eternity". Feels corny, maybe, lets the poem down]
were just the simple grains
of beauty, love and energy ["energy" feels off, could be improved]

at the gateway to your tree ["tree of self" also strikes me as a bit corny]
of self, in an endless garden
of circling time and branches,
was the message you had left. [I like the finish, but the grammar confuses me. I don't see how "was..." fits with what came before. I'd also be interested in hearing a bit more about the message. Is there any call for trying another verse elaborating on it a bit?] 
 

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Mark
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Re: Going home

Post by Mark » Fri Nov 05, 2021 7:58 am

Trev. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I agreed on hourglass of eternity being cliched-sounding and changed it, triggering a rewrite of S3.

I have no further comment on your subjective interpretations but do appreciate your thoughts.

The poem is not a single sentence. The lack of capitalization and full-stops in each stanza is poetic licence for flow. It certainly doesn't read as a single sentence. The enjambments sufficiently indicate breaks, I think.

The grammar in the final stanza is fine, read it without the section between commas.

Cheers, Mark






 

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Going home

Post by Matty11 » Fri Nov 05, 2021 9:45 am

Mark wrote:
Thu Nov 04, 2021 5:33 pm
.

And the life you lived within
the ego of the body electric
wound down quickly, a clock
falling away from a tower...S1 is a grabber

you paused at the crossing
and laughed at the religions  
bobbing like colorful balloons... fab
beneath a clay cartoon ceiling...like that too

and the reflections you found
in recollection of your years
were all the simple images
mirrored in love and joy

at the gateway to your tree
of self, in an endless garden...Eliot?
of circling time and branches,
was the message you had left.  

 

Bleak, but absorbing.

Phil

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Going home

Post by indar » Sat Nov 06, 2021 10:48 am

and the reflections you found
in recollection of your years
were all the simple images
mirrored in love and joy

I find this poem uplifting--after all is said and done these are the things that matter, the things that mark ones place in the life cycle, that expands the good in the overarching story.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Going home

Post by Dave » Sun Nov 07, 2021 10:42 am

Hey Mark
I was fully engaged by the first two stanzas that seemed to me to be highly original and they encouraged me to read on. The second two stanzas for me personally were less enagaging and original. Two other aspects will occupy my thinking: one is the past tense, which held events and the immedicacy and impact somewhat at arm's length giving me the feeling I did not really have to care so much especially combined with the use of 'you' throughout - the most anonymous of all voices in my opinion. 

There is much to merit the poem and writing nonetheless

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Mark
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Re: Going home

Post by Mark » Wed Nov 10, 2021 2:20 pm

Thanks for comments, Phil, Linda and Dave. I guess I should have spent more time on this. It was a strange write, up in my loft office around midnight after a long long day and yawning fit to swallow my monitor while listening to The Reflex mixes on YT.

Interesting point, Dave, about the POV and tensage (invented word). The omniscient/3rd person POV was something I'd not done before but I wanted to give it a universal feel and the tense, well, writing about a future metaphysical train of events in the past tense might give a sense of weight to the ideas expressed, I thought. I like it that Linda had a positive takeaway, it's what I'm trying to convey with these afterlife poems, that it's more an end of mortality than an end to everything. And thanks to Trev  for a good crit that prompted me to redo S3 - does seem better now.  

   

TrevorConway
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Re: Going home

Post by TrevorConway » Thu Nov 11, 2021 1:42 am

Thumbs up on the changes, Mark. They work well.

Trev

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Mark
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Re: Going home

Post by Mark » Mon Jan 17, 2022 3:10 pm

Just kicking this up the board again after a minor change as a sort of tribute piece to my sister-in-law Haley who died on November 29. It wasn't written with her in mind but it fits now. 

Matty11
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Joined: Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:58 pm

Re: Going home

Post by Matty11 » Tue Jan 18, 2022 7:48 am

Hi Mark,
          I'm seeing would/went for the change. My sympathies for your loss.

all the best

Phil

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