They sling the gate open on the way out
shout to the nervous stamping horse
run like hell
don't have time to get the dog in the car
tell their screaming seven-year-old
Sasha will be fine
sleep on cots in the school gym
four days and nights until
the hot spots are out
when they return
Sasha waits for them in the ash
and blackened appliances
her usual place in what was the kitchen
the horse is standing by the water tough
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6 PM News
Re: 6 PM News
Hey Indar
This has the benefit of being immediate and frightening and yet the modifiers and weak verbs detract from its power IMO. The narrative is clear and well pieced together but 'poetically' it sells itself a little short.
A few unsolicited suggestions to adopt or leave:
They sling the gate open (on the way out makes the line long and the rest makes that fact apparent)
shout (yell?) to the stamping horse (nervous is shown by stamping though I would leave both out)
run like hell
don't have time to get the dog in the car (perhaps something more immediate and emotive such as abandon the dog)
tell their screaming seven-year-old (tell is a bit flat - screaming is so emotional and then all they offer is to tell - this would not comfort a screaming 7 year old)
Sasha will be fine
I would create a new stanza
sleep in the school gym
four days and nights
when the hot spots are(stronger verb - die out) out
they return (stronger verb)
Sasha waits for them in the ash
and blackened appliances
her usual place in what was the kitchen (these three lines might be condensed into
Sascha waits as usual in her kitchen, now ash and blackened)
the horse is standing by the water trough
I hope this is not too much interference.
This has the benefit of being immediate and frightening and yet the modifiers and weak verbs detract from its power IMO. The narrative is clear and well pieced together but 'poetically' it sells itself a little short.
A few unsolicited suggestions to adopt or leave:
They sling the gate open (on the way out makes the line long and the rest makes that fact apparent)
shout (yell?) to the stamping horse (nervous is shown by stamping though I would leave both out)
run like hell
don't have time to get the dog in the car (perhaps something more immediate and emotive such as abandon the dog)
tell their screaming seven-year-old (tell is a bit flat - screaming is so emotional and then all they offer is to tell - this would not comfort a screaming 7 year old)
Sasha will be fine
I would create a new stanza
sleep in the school gym
four days and nights
when the hot spots are(stronger verb - die out) out
they return (stronger verb)
Sasha waits for them in the ash
and blackened appliances
her usual place in what was the kitchen (these three lines might be condensed into
Sascha waits as usual in her kitchen, now ash and blackened)
the horse is standing by the water trough
I hope this is not too much interference.
Re: 6 PM News
Hey Indar. While I appreciate the stylistic choice of foregoing punctuation, I feel like the writer still has the responsibility of providing clarity to the reader. If for a moment I'm confused whether Sasha is a horse or a child, the poem stops dead. I was fine with it after a few reads but I think it would benefit from some white space for implied breaks and shifts in ideas.
Re: 6 PM News
The intentionally jumbled feel to the writing reflects the chaotic situation quite well.