The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

I could walk to the shop
instead of driving, but
most working days
drag 15 or 20 thousand steps, and
every day that spin bike upstairs
sucks another 10 kilometres 
out of my 60 year old legs.

My weight fluctuates,
when I'm fattened after Christmas
I have to lose four lbs
to return to 65kg,
two or three weeks'll do it.
I could eat more, but 
sweet and processed
are like the friends
my parents warned me about.
'Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who YOU are'

I laughed then, I'm not laughing now.
Well, maybe a little bit, because
they were, of course, right.

I could walk to the shop, maybe 
buy a coffee to go
and look like all the other sad,
homeless-looking, beverage-holding
perambulating-assholes...no.

When I walk, I'll just walk,
a simple man
restrained, disciplined, born
in a world of less
that gave me more.



 






 

Hey Colm,

This didn't get going for me until the last verse. There, the language/idea was interesting, but it felt very laboured in the verses before that. Would you try a short version of the poem and see how it works? If so, I'd suggest taking the last verse as your main framework and fitting in other material within it. Below, I've put in bold what I'd consider the most interest bits of the other verses.

Hope it helps,

Trev


I could walk to the shop
instead of driving, but
most working days
drag 15 or 20 thousand steps, and
every day that spin bike upstairs
sucks another 10 kilometres 
out of my 60 year old legs.

My weight fluctuates,
when I'm fattened after Christmas
I have to lose four lbs
to return to 65kg,
two or three weeks'll do it.
I could eat more, but 
sweet and processed
are like the friends
my parents warned me about.
'Show me your friends, and I'll tell you who YOU are'

I laughed then, I'm not laughing now.
Well, maybe a little bit, because
they were, of course, right.

I could walk to the shop, maybe 
buy a coffee to go
and look like all the other sad,
homeless-looking, beverage-holding
perambulating-assholes...no. 

Thanks Trev, you are probably right. 
It was written without too much effort, to put something new on the main page. 
Hope I haven't annoyed any coffee-carrying perambulators   

Engaging, relatable, and I enjoyed the wry tone. Works for me.

cheers

Phil

A wry and chatty easy-reading narrative but perhaps a bit less would also be a bit more. 

I enjoyed the witty ramble, but wondered where it was leading.  Then I read the last four lines -- an autobiography in 15 words!  I wish I  could summarize myself with such clarity and succinctness.  After the first reading, I recognized the seemingly meandering narrative to actually be a pretty straight forward supporting detail for the last stanza assertions.

This one grows on me, and no, not like toe-fungus.

Cheers Colm.

T

Phil, Mark and Tracy, thank you for reading and commenting. 
Great to see the increased activity on the boards