The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

revision4


A spider repairs
its web; the man
in the ketchup vest
has moved on, and that
furtive cat befriends
elsewhere. Diptera,
incidental in arachnid art,
rarely visit. No matter.
The spider threads. Order
survives, is satisfied.

------

revision3

A reclusive spider repairs
its fraying web;
the slovenly man
has moved on, and that
furtive cat has befriended
others elsewhere.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. The web trembles.
Order survives, is satisfied.


------

revision2

A reclusive spider repairs
its fraying web,
though the slovenly man
moved on and that furtive cat
befriends elsewhere.
There are no leftovers.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. The web trembles.
Happiness is caught in a web.




Revision


A reclusive spider repairs
its fraying web,
though the old man
moved on and that furtive cat
befriends elsewhere.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. The web trembles.





Original

This reclusive spider repairs
its happiness web,
though the old man
moved on and that furtive cat
befriends elsewhere.
Diptera, incidental in
arachnid art, rarely visit.
It doesn't matter. The spider
threads. It is what it does.

Very nice, Phil.
I like the way the gentle, easy pace of it reflects the quiet scene.
Love lines 6 & 7
You cram a hell of a lot into a short poem.

Thanks Colm. Yes, I like those lines too.

best

Phil

Hey Phil 
A gentle meditative poem and I learn a new word: diptera.

I could imagine moving the lines around.

And drop reclusive as to my ear it sounds intrusive (apologies for the rhyme) and actually somewhat irrelvant to spiders for some reason. I never ever see them in groups families or gangs. I seems to be directing the reader too much.

I would also cut the lines differently perhaps to indicative the spider alone as 

The old man has moved out(drop though)
and that cat befriends elsewhere (again without the modifier - too much directing of the reader going on)

A spider
repairs its web (drop the modifier since repairs already indicates damage).


though Diptera
incidental in arachnid art
rarely drop in for a visit (double meaning of drop in)...

just tinkering, sorry






 

Thanks Dave. Appreciate the tinkering. I've expanded with some more elements.The question that was nagging me is why some spiders don't move on when the rest of the food chain does.

cheers

Phil

Cool poem. Reminds me of this one time when a big black and yellow rain spider set up shop in the kitchen of this raggedy house we had in the bush. Left it alone as a flycatcher. Used to feed it live insects and it got quite tame. Sold the place to a renovator and had to take the spider, Millie, with us when we moved but the new web she spun was a poor affair and she struggled to prosper.

I prefer the revision but something with that phrasing around the cat feels a bit ponderous.  

Reminds me of this one time when a big black and yellow rain spider set up shop in the kitchen of this raggedy house we had in the bush. Left it alone as a flycatcher. Used to feed it live insects and it got quite tame. Sold the place to a renovator and had to take the spider, Millie, with us when we moved but the new web she spun was a poor affair and she struggled to prosper.

Love the story.

Phil

Spiders are amazing creatures but I must admit to a bit of arachnophobia. The theme of 'happiness' here asks
this reader to ponder if instinctual behavior contains happiness? Maybe it leads to a sense of contentment which
perhaps the the spider world is the equivalent of happiness?

My personal opinion here is that you place too heavy a load of adjectives in this poem. It's a fine poem, but the mood
descriptivism slows the message down. Best to let the reader observe the scene without injecting subjective nuance too much,
unless they are much more pertinent to the work.
So I would edit out both 'reclusive' and 'slovenly'. For me at least it would make the poem stronger.
Nevertheless the poem works for me in it's intent for sure.

Thanks Eric. I once wrote poems without adjectives and adverbs. The mantra being they slowed a line and were telly. Some truth in that, but the poems were rather colourless and unspecific. Too much burden for the readers to fill the space. As usual, a balance, though here I was more seduced by the v sonics. On reflection, are spiders social creatures? Reclusive is redundant. slovenly is telly, though I wanted the implication of an unclean environment where the spider would thrive...rotting food, flies, spider happiness. I liked the contrast of spider/order v human/disorder. I'll have a ponder. Either way appreciate the help.

Cheers

Phil