Lead us to the belvedere
let lips smoke a fine cigar
the view is lovely from here.
By a dilatory elbow
a glass of mellow Merlot,
or Cabernet Sauvignon;
a thermidor and a sapid thirst.
A quietude to hold, while we savor
a soupçon of blueberry brume,
the piquant autumn airs and simmers.
Let us spoon a wind-whiffed heather,
a basted bee nectar,
a fragrance of Acacia honey,
for you alone
are our pinot paramour;
a scent-laden essence.
Look! There is a stag upon a bosky tumulus;
velvet antlers mossy and fusing,
it tromps a cloven hoof,
jouncing a matted nape
then leaps into an eventide sun.
Let us pledge a happy heart
to indolent Bacchus,
sip and sup a simple praise
for our sage bacchanalian vintner,
imbibe candied grapes in this
ambrosial and languid time.
Let us soiree at the end of day
while we dip a chin
envisioning
starlight in elfin eyes.
Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
A Loll of Evening Ease
Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
Hi Eric,
I'm trying to guess your intention with this one--perhaps it was written, or should I say overwritten, to be egregiously, excessively, exaggeratedly extravagant.
The result? Images such as those disembodied lips have my permission to smoke a cigar but not in my house. I have loved the sonics in so many of your poems that serve the purpose of accentuation, but this write seems to have been written only for the sake of alliteration/assonance to the point of missing relatable content/imagery.
I'm trying to guess your intention with this one--perhaps it was written, or should I say overwritten, to be egregiously, excessively, exaggeratedly extravagant.
The result? Images such as those disembodied lips have my permission to smoke a cigar but not in my house. I have loved the sonics in so many of your poems that serve the purpose of accentuation, but this write seems to have been written only for the sake of alliteration/assonance to the point of missing relatable content/imagery.
Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
Eric,
I find myself thinking along the same lines as Indar. There's a clear love of words here, which is a fine enough end in its own right. But if there's something hidden beneath them my more literal mind can't tease it out. In this way it's not a typical 'Eric'.
Gyppo
I find myself thinking along the same lines as Indar. There's a clear love of words here, which is a fine enough end in its own right. But if there's something hidden beneath them my more literal mind can't tease it out. In this way it's not a typical 'Eric'.
Gyppo
I've been writing ever since I realised I could. Storytelling since I started talking. Poetry however comes and goes
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Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
Hi Eric,
I get the voice you're going for here, but I think you've laid it on too thickly. A fairly whimsical piece, in my opinion. Most of your work that I've read is more engaging than this. Sorry for the negative overall critique, but I find such feedback can help when deciding what poems to include or exclude from collections/submissions.
All the best,
Trev
I get the voice you're going for here, but I think you've laid it on too thickly. A fairly whimsical piece, in my opinion. Most of your work that I've read is more engaging than this. Sorry for the negative overall critique, but I find such feedback can help when deciding what poems to include or exclude from collections/submissions.
All the best,
Trev
Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
Hey Eric
I think the comments already given hit the nail on the head. The poem almost seems a parody of itself. Skillfully down with obvious love of words but somehow not connecting with the reader.
I think the comments already given hit the nail on the head. The poem almost seems a parody of itself. Skillfully down with obvious love of words but somehow not connecting with the reader.
- Eric Ashford
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Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
Hi Indar,
yes you got that about got his right,
It was wrote to be extravert, excessive, and wordsy
but if it hits all those marks then that was my intent!
I had fun with it.
yes you got that about got his right,
It was wrote to be extravert, excessive, and wordsy
but if it hits all those marks then that was my intent!
I had fun with it.
- Eric Ashford
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2022 4:35 pm
Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
No problem Trevor, I expected some negativity with this.
As I said to Indar it's a rollick and a prankish romp
wordy and flamboyant in its excessiveness.
Sometime I just write to be extravagant.
Cheers
As I said to Indar it's a rollick and a prankish romp
wordy and flamboyant in its excessiveness.
Sometime I just write to be extravagant.
Cheers
- Eric Ashford
- Posts: 160
- Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2022 4:35 pm
Re: A Loll of Evening Ease
Hi Dave yeo you're right' I can see that it did not connect
It is a self-involved muse that tickled my poetic bones at the time, so
no regrets. Well maybe...
It is a self-involved muse that tickled my poetic bones at the time, so
no regrets. Well maybe...