The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

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An old man, blank with an iron cancer,
walks along a dock on a Sunday afternoon.

Seagulls wheeling, gray clouds on blue,  
a distant foghorn mourns across the water.

Random kaleidoscopes, thoughts of Rome,
grim impressions of sinister things forgotten,
loom opaquely, uncertain as a yellow mist.

A skyfall woman, naked, draped luminous
in the long twilight, eyes painted with fire,
speaks in slippery whispers, cool as jade.


 

Hi Mark,

This appears to be a simple snapshot poem of a sombre scene. I think it could work better if there was more variety of rhythm and tone. To me, it just plods along. It could engage the reader more if there was a more dynamic feel to the tone. Consider varying the sentence and line lengths. Some very short sentences could work well.

The poem works best where the detail is more concrete. "Iron cancer" is quite a nice phrase, but you lose me with "Random kaleidoscopes", "thoughts of Rome", "grim impressions of sinister things forgotten", "loom opaquely", "draped luminous".

Best of luck with revising it if you plan to,

Trev
 

The final stanza presents the possibility of different interpretations that changes the focus of the rest of the poem: is the image of the "skyfall woman" some cloud formation laying along the horizon at sunset? Or is she the terminally ill man's memory of a past lover? Or is the call of death presented, unconventionally, as a woman? I very much like the ambiguous nature of this write.

One small nit--would it read a bit better to say "seagulls wheel"?

Thanks for your take, guys. Linda, my thoughts were along the lines of your second possibility, how it is the woman he remembers best but there is a sense of the surreal and I also like the ambiguity you found. Cheers, Mark. 

Mark,

I rather liked the line about "grim impressions of sinister things forgotten".

Made me think of those half-forgotten or deliberately suppressed memories which hover in the background,  a half-step away from everyday memory.  But sometimes you can feel their presence even when you don't allow them to take concrete form.

Gyppo

Thanks Gyppo. The Rome thing is open too, I don't know where it came from. Strange poem, I had to work hard at avoiding the 4 lines slant shape thing, and yet a pattern subtle maybe. See that line distancing thing? Whatever. Strange days... I remember forgotten sinister shit. I think you have a handle on hardcore stuff, where it goes.