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Unrestrained
Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2022 7:28 am
by Eric Ashford
We have let the animals out;
moonlight flees from the tousled bed.
Passions speak loud yet wordless.
Impulses drive deep into that frenzy
poets call ardor.
A macabre shadow dance.
paints the walls
with a leaking erotica.
There are instinctual movements,
creatural sounds -
the cry of storm gulls,
and wilderness wolves.
Jungle cats prowl
through the heat of flushed flesh.
Then the breathless little death
of the beast,
as bliss and quietus envelops.
Once more a savage kingdom
lays down with tender whispers.
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2022 8:59 am
by Dave
Well the poem is certainly dramatic. Not sure about the love making it depicts though. The poem has great sounds and interesting word choices but I just don't believe it.
Dave
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2022 6:15 am
by AlienFlower
Eric,
This describes so perfectly the transformation that happens in moments of passion.
To me, lines 3-5 could stand a touch-up. They summarize, while the rest of the poem uses such concrete imagery, and passions speaking loud but wordless(ly) seems a bit ordinary.
May I also suggest a re-write for the last two lines?
Either
Once more tender whispers
lay down a savage kingdom.
or
Once more a savage kingdom
lies down with tender whispers.
Enjoyed,
Jackie
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Sat Jun 04, 2022 8:35 pm
by Colm Roe
I'm reading this from a totally different angle.
The key word in the first line (animals, plural) directed me to darker place...war crimes, rape.
And then the language/metaphors for Russia/China's real intentions.
How strongly we support Ukraine will determine how aggressive/passive those two cunts will behave for the next generation or two.
It cannot be overstated...if we fail Ukraine, we are all fucked!
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2022 12:53 pm
by Eric Ashford
i Dave
you are wise grasshopper
this old guy is no longer a stud.
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2022 12:56 pm
by Eric Ashford
Hi Alien Flower, like your suggestion for the ending lines.
Thanks for the read and the comments.
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2022 12:59 pm
by Eric Ashford
Hi Calm Rose,
personally I think we were all fucked decades ago most of us did not know it.
Those animals are out and running loose now.
I am a fighter by nture, but I think I will just sit any current or future wars out.
Thanks for the read and thoughts.
Re: Unrestrained
Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2022 1:06 pm
by TrevorConway
Hi Eric,
I found this overdescribed to much, but I think it could work if the language was fragmented more, rather than presenting it in proper sentences/phrases, as there is some good stuff here (see comments below). Cutting it down a bit overall might also help a bit. It's much easier to explain by direct illustration, so I hope you don't mind me making direct changes below.
Thanks for sharing,
Trev
We have let the animals out: [Very nice first line]
moonlight flees, the tousled bed,
a frenzy that poets call ardor.
A shadow dance, macabre,
paints the walls,
a wilderness of wolves
through the heat of flushed flesh.
Then, the breathless little death
of bliss and quiet,
a savage kingdom [I know it's way out there, but "savant kingdom" came to me, and it might be more interesting/original. Could it fit here at all?]
lays down - tender - whispers.