The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

a hole in the ocean swallowed my father.
I hung a hand over the side of a boat,
silent witness. the sky could not invent
colour so there was no pain, no sorrow.

when I stepped into the water
there were no horizons, only distance,
now all living beings begin to disappear 
into the lines trickling across my palm. 

as Jesus knew only too well it's magic
humans crav: watered wine, a body
in a tree, fingers threaded through
bloodied hands like sun rays part clouds,

I expect a staircase to heaven.
but worry some day I may fall asleep
waiting for a bus, and night falls
before there is time to wake.

 

I'm still reading this, Dave, but the last stanza is a keeper—every word works (except I'd tweak the tense for "falls").

Jackie

Thanks fot the comment and suggestion. Will seriously consider.
Dave
 

Typo on S3 L2.
This is a bloody good poem, Dave. 
S1 is absolutely sublime, like the perspective is in S2
and the humanity in the concluding stanzas.
Has to be in Dave's Top Ten. Hope it reaches the audience it deserves.
Fantastic poeming.
 

Excellent Dave

Love the poem, Dave. 

I don't think the title does it justice, though.

Jackie

Thanks for the comments and kindnesses - Colm you exaggerate in the best possible way. Alienflower I am not married to the title so would be no loss. I could take the first line or other. Not so good at titles.
Dave
 

Dave,

If you're going to change the title the first line would be good.

But how about just the first five words.

A hole in the ocean poses a question.  Water doesn't, generally speaking, have holes.  It's an enticing and intriguing premise which I suspect many potential readers would feel compelled to investigate.  If I saw it amongst a list of other titles I'd want to know where it led.

Gyppo

It is a good piece. I like the tone and texture of the writing except for S3. That seems to belong somewhere else. I would cut it altogether. Also something about the ending seems a bit jumbled. 

a hole in the ocean swallowed my father.
I hung a hand over the side of a boat,
silent witness. the sky could not invent
colour so there was no pain, no sorrow.

when I stepped into the water
there were no horizons, only distance,
now all living beings begin to disappear
into the lines trickling across my palm.

I expect a staircase to heaven.
but worry some day I may fall asleep
waiting for a bus, and night falls
before there is time to wake.
 
I expect a staircase to heaven.
but worry some day I may fall asleep
waiting for a bus, and find dark
night has fallen when I wake.

night has fallen while I slept.