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A Story and a Half

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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AlienFlower
Posts: 475
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 9:32 am
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A Story and a Half

Post by AlienFlower » Fri Oct 28, 2022 9:17 am

The long side faces north
with space round to chase and hide. I look up 
from behind by the red maple sprout 
or in front by the new oak, at the one and-a-half
story roof and shout
“Annie, Annie Over!” at a cloud,
feeling proud (can’t think why now) 
if my ball clears the roof pitch putting me into 
harm’s way—at once I’m fair game 
wherever they burst from, however they target
unless I slip through.
All those years ago with baby trees
and no autumn leaves.
Now the front yard fills
with taupe oak 
but the porch is all-over pink. 
In the downwind 
comes “Annie, Annie Over!” I look up 
to see the maple from the yard behind
shaking its leaves onto the front-facing shingles 
to perch,
assessing with more sense than I ever had, 
how and where best to land. 

indar
Posts: 2908
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: A Story and a Half

Post by indar » Sat Oct 29, 2022 6:17 pm

Pigtails!  :D Played this over the Harmon's garage roof. Story and a half might have been out of our league. What fun! I need good memories from what seemed simpler times just now.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: A Story and a Half

Post by Dave » Mon Oct 31, 2022 11:23 am

Hey Jackie
I must confess, not knowing the game I am having my problems visualizing this. I can't make out the relative periods of time as the poem slips in and out of past and present in a way I am finding to hard follow. Some lines bleed the images into each other so that I search for some punctuation to help me orient:

'if my ball clears the roof pitch putting me into harm's way - what exactly puts me into harm's way here, the ball clearing the roof or the pitch?
And the closing lines - what perches and what has more sense than the N ever did? One of those poems that make feel a bit intellectually limited for not getting what are probably simple and obvious lines for others.

Nevertheless, so good to ahve your writing back here on the site.

Dave
 

AlienFlower
Posts: 475
Joined: Fri Feb 05, 2021 9:32 am
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Re: A Story and a Half

Post by AlienFlower » Wed Nov 02, 2022 2:42 pm

Oh dear! Dave, is this jargon? The last thing I want is to make a reader feel low! So, I need to include more about how the game works. Will work on that.

Linda, I read that you yell "Pigtail" if you want a second chance, and it sounds like you know about that, too. I don't think we did.

I know what you mean about the old days. One of the kids who came for candy on Halloween night was astonished that there was a candle in our jack-o-lantern—and that it was a real pumpkin.  :o

Thanks for your responses
Jackie

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