Fade

[Colm Roe]

He watched her fade
into the morning mist,
its low lying sulk on the lake
bled thinner across the road,
then soft focused the shadowed pines
freeze framed, until the day's virgin heat
prompted their gentle swaying.
 
Dawn, the time for last chances,
one more last chance.
No words required in a warm bed, 
just an arm's reach across the divide,
a touch they both craved,
frozen in shadows
before the fade.

[Tracy Mitchell]

Thank you for posting this poem.
It is so deeply textured, layered,
and yet straight to the point.

Nit one -- S.1 L.7 swaying >sway.  Just asking.
Nit two -- how does S.2 seem to you without L.2?  To me it feels stronger, as the substance of L.2 is then implied for the reader.

S.1 powers right along, rhythm, sonics, substance.  S.2 has that beautiful closing echo of the 'aye' sound - sway/crave/fade.

Cheers.

T 
 

[Sharon Leigh]

He watched her fade
into the morning mist,
its low lying sulk on the lake
bled thinner across the road,
then soft focused the shadowed pines <could remove "then"?
freeze framed, until the day's virgin heat
prompted their gentle swaying.
 
Dawn, the time for last chances,
one more last chance. < close repeat of "last chance" bumps, for me
No words required in a warm bed, 
just an arm's reach across the divide,
a touch they both craved,
frozen in shadows
before the fade.

Colm, this is beautiful. Such a quiet peace to it, a contentment. The mist and fade show an acceptance of what dissipates. I like the way the 2x "fade" s open and close the piece, I wonder if "fade" need be the title, then? Though it's lovely. S1 L3 my favorite line, "low lying sulk on the lake"-- exquisite.

Much enjoyed, thanks for sharing.

Best,
S

[Colm Roe]

Thanks Sharon.
The 'chance' rep has been mentioned before by others. 
It wasn't laziness or lack of attention (I know you're not suggesting that), but I still like it?
'then', I think, contributes to the sense of mist flowing?
Either way I'm delighted you liked it, it wouldn't have 'happened' if Tom hadn't forced me to get involved
with NaPo...you gotta love that man 

[Sharon Leigh]

Absolutely do what's best for your poem, always! They were tiny matters, anyway, it's lovely overall.

I'm glad to hear it sprung from NaPo! Would you believe I have never fully participated in it. For years I resisted out of some belief that I cannot force poetry, but, this year I intend to try. Will likely be a month of stinkers but, ah well! At least I can say I did it.

The interesting thing about this poem (and I can't quite put my finger on it) is the way its pace, voice and sonics so perfectly render the subject matter. I suppose if I study it long enough I'll figure it out, but, just wanted to mention again that that's how it reads.

Best,
S

[Colm Roe]

A poem a day for 30 days won't produce 30 gems, and it's hard work, and I resisted until last year.
But it was fun and different; very few critiques...more support...it was like being a nube again.
Challenging and exciting...yes, we're talking about poetry! Just do it Sharon!

[Mark]

I remember this from recent outing on MWC. Well-crafted, and a pleasure to read. 

[Dansinger]

Ah, I remember this one from another place. Loved it there, and I love it here too.

[indar]

He watched her fade
into the morning mist,
its low lying sulk on the lake
bled thinner across the road,
then soft focused the shadowed pines
freeze framed, until the day's virgin heat
prompted their gentle swaying.
 
Dawn, the time for last chances,
one more last chance.
No words required in a warm bed, 
just an arm's reach across the divide,
a touch they both craved,
frozen in shadows
before the fade.

I know I can be tiresome about these things. Scholars of the Pentateuch point out that, in their original form, passages are written in "cycles" meant to be read from both ends to the center where the heart of the matter is stated. I pointed out in BWF how Colm has repeated the form. So "fade" begins and ends the "cycle" moving toward center there are two forms of the word "shadow" third repeat in is forms of "freeze" and at center is the message: "Chance/chances".

Colm says it was unintentional but I am a believer in a statement a professor in art school made when it comes to art--"there is no such thing as a fluke".
 Maybe the form could be a first in writing challenges.
Beyond that---I love this poem. Agree that:

its low lying sulk on the lake
bled thinner across the road,

Is a standout.

 

[gaviano]

I didn't spot the form until Indar pointed it out, so the rep of chance did jar quite violently for me. It's not helped by the two chance lines essentially saying the same thing. Other than that, it's a great poem. Well done.