Dream Girl - a pantoum

[Dansinger]

Dream Girl  

I'm not the daughter she wanted
and cannot fulfill her hopes, her dreams
but I'm the son she's got
whether she likes me or not. 

I cannot fulfill her hopeless dreams
of tinkling laughter and swirling skirts.
Whether she likes it or not
my voice enchants the fairer sex. 

Their tinkling laughter and short skirts
delight both ear and eye.
My voice enchants the fairy
that comes to me in my dreams. 

Both eye and ear delight
in the way she walks when
she whirls into my dreams
singing a song of love. 

In the way she walks when
the dream escapes in unison
with the song of lost love
lies an echo of things gone by. 

As the dream escapes, so too
flees the peace that was mine.
In an echo of things gone by comes
the whisper of a familiar voice. 

The peace that was mine is gone.
I'm not the daughter she wanted but
now a familiar voice whispers,
You are the son I've got.    

[indar]

A poetry instructor I took a class from years ago commenting on the sestina form said something that applies to the pantoum as well. These repetitive forms are especially fitting for a kind of mulling over or rant of an obsessive nature. I am in the minority of writers on these forums that actually LIKE the repetitive forms. That instructor, Jude Nutter, said such forms lead the writer---sometimes against their own will to a more introspective or insightful place---that if one surrenders to the form it will take a sudden turn. Speaking of the sestina she identified where it usually occurs. As we looked over a few by other poets it became obvious.

I recognize this poem from MWC and was very struck by it. My suggestion is to work on the rhythm from S4 on to fit the one you've established in the first 3 stanzas. Up the Pantoum!!!

Maybe TTB should have a forum just for formal poetry (just kidding CP)

[indar]

Whoa---speaking of repetitive ---how did I post double?

[Mark]

Hope you don't mind , Linda -fixed that for you while practicing moderation. Mark.

[Dansinger]

Thank you, Linda. I like form poetry too and esp. form poetry of the repetitive kind. I love the challenge it provides, because you have to work so hard to do them well and make them interesting for others to read. They can easily become dull and lifeless.

Introspective you say, eh? Definitely.

I wrote this one shortly after I learned my mother has cancer and there's nothing the doctors can do about it. I guess it's my way of trying to come to terms with it all.

[indar]

Whoa---speaking of repetitive ---how did I post double?

See that sentence at the top here? Every time I try to "reply" I get my previous "reply". Is it me?

Thanks Mark for the fix.

OK, assuming this works, Dan, my father, in what might have been an attempt to compliment me but more likely in an attempt to shame my little mild-mannered brother said I had so much spunk and fight in me it was too bad I wasn't born the boy. Ah these gender issues. 

[Sharon Leigh]

Nice work, last time I attempted a pantoum I was left looking alopecic I like the angle, as a reader I'd think initially from title and first lines that n was a female, so it was interesting and aligns w subject of course. Some places a bit trite for my taste (dreams, tinkling laughter, enchants, fairy) but that's just me. Thanks for sharing

Best,
Sharon

[Marc Gilbert]

Dream Girl 

I'm not the daughter she wanted
and cannot fulfill her hopes, her dreams
but I'm the son she's got
whether she likes me or not. 

I cannot fulfill her hopeless dreams
of tinkling laughter and swirling skirts.
Whether she likes it or not
my voice enchants the fairer sex. 

Their tinkling laughter and short skirts
delight both ear and eye.
My voice enchants the fairy
that comes to me in my dreams. 

Both eye and ear delight
in the way she walks when
she whirls into my dreams
singing a song of love. 

In the way she walks when
the dream escapes in unison
with the song of lost love
lies an echo of things gone by. 

As the dream escapes, so too
flees the peace that was mine.
In an echo of things gone by comes
the whisper of a familiar voice. 

The peace that was mine is gone.
I'm not the daughter she wanted but
now a familiar voice whispers,
You are the son I've got.    

Wonderfully executed. Not an easy task and you pull it off so naturally. The tone, every carries so beautifully. I especially like the close. The lingers after each read.

(ooh, a formal board... I'll chat with CP ) 
 

[Dansinger]

Thanks, Linda, Sharon, Marc.

Sharon, you hit on exactly the same things that have been bothering me since the beginning. I'm not sure how to fix that yet, but I intend to.

Alopecic, I had to look that one up. What a wonderful word for something not quite so beautiful. Thankfully, I've still got most of my hair - though it's been thinning a bit of late, but hey, I'm an old fart, so what do we expect, eh? If I end up  looking like my father, that wouldn't be a bad thing at all.

Yes Linda, gender issues...  But it's a good thing they are there, because we get to exploit them in our works. Isn't that just wonderful?

[Catherine]

Hi Dansinger, I remember reading this one on MWC, and remaining "stuck" with it for hours...It is so beautifully written, so sad and yet matter of fact. Terribly efficient.