The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

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I love minimalistic poems.    

First read thoughts:  the use of "for" twice in such brevity is too much.  Since I gag (just me) at prepositions on a break line, I would do something w/S2.  

Not sure about the comparison to unmoved dust. All one has to do is walk by a dust bunny and it moves like a dandelion spore. But maybe that's your point: that's you ARE that unmoved. So maybe it works.

On your word choice of "writhing"...it is something I associate more w/pain, and I'm trying to decide why I should care about your apparent lack of testosterone here.  You mention "desire" (and I like that) but since you bite your lip to deter yourself, I'm not sure that's the right word choice, either.      

Last line is the strongest, methinks.  Given the right circumstances, it's visually appealing. 

 



 

I read that final line differently, not of lust withheld but the suffering of some other agony that kills desire. Perhaps these words tell us the cause:

for nothing
but the pleasure
of an animal's warmth

A recognition of the nature of the relationship that makes it repugnant.

Thanks Indar and Tim. My instincts go with Indar#s interpretation.
Tim, you have highlighted aspects I felt undecided about. Dust can go, the two fors are a pain and I have not found a satisfactory replacement for writhing, which in the dictionary is indeed laden with pain although commonly used for erotic contexts and snakes of course. Will post changes.
Dave
 

Revision much cleaner, Dave.  

Indar's interpretation (and your instincts) of that last line doesn't take w/me. Reason: title has me influenced.  You pretty much tell me it's all about lust.  

And I love the last line. I'm just looking at what's coming in front of it.   

Why did you remove "for nothing but" ? I thought that was the tip-off that the N has realized there is no relationship outside the animal need being displayed by the woman on the rug and that is a turn-off for the N.

For me, the last line was after the N received a box in the face from the rug-lady.
Anywho, the N is in deep shit. Zorba the Greek told us “If a woman sleeps alone it puts a shame on all men. God has a very big heart, but there is one sin He will not forgive. If a woman calls a man to her bed and he will not go.”  A very wise (and obviously very horny) old man told him that   
I enjoyed the read. 
And have to ask, are you (considering your latest poem) entering your 'blue' period?