Dryad

[Tragopandemonium]

..
In the afternoon, around two or three
I sometimes remember
When my body was split down the middle by a flaming sword - a shiver of lightning
the smoldering void it left in the shape of you
to pour yourself into
but you never did.
It happened many seasons ago.

My trunk with its twisted form is still and silent
In the afternoon light
When you place your hand on the bark, it is a rough, quiet presence.  
It does not speak back
except maybe in another language 
the language of trees



(I wrote this contribution as a thank you for inviting me to the new group!!  It's a very green and un-worked first draft I would like to continue to play with-- it has ideas and images I think could be unpacked and realized more fully, and I would greatly appreciate any feedback...I struggled with the title-would love to hear any alternate suggestions!)

[Sharon Leigh]

..
In the afternoon, around two or three
I sometimes remember
When my body was split down the middle by a flaming sword - a shiver of lightning
the smoldering void it left in the shape of you
to pour yourself into
but you never did.
It happened many seasons ago.

My trunk with its twisted form is still and silent
In the afternoon light
When you place your hand on the bark, it is a rough, quiet presence.  
It does not speak back
except maybe in another language 
the language of trees



(I wrote this contribution as a thank you for inviting me to the new group!!  It's a very green and un-worked first draft I would like to continue to play with-- it has ideas and images I think could be unpacked and realized more fully, and I would greatly appreciate any feedback...I struggled with the title-would love to hear any alternate suggestions!)

Hello Trago, and welcome! Sorry for the slow reply, a lot of us are busy with the April NaPoWriMo thread, etc. Anyhow, very glad you're here!

A strong first entry... I like it quite a bit and have returned to re-read already a number of times. A few suggestions if you'll permit, take or toss if they don't pertain.


I wonder if you need L1 of S1 at all? It seems oddly specific, the time-? Opening w L2 seems stronger, to my view.
L3 a jolt, wonderful... do you intend the biblical connotation of "flaming sword"-? Makes me wonder if the n is writing to the holy spirit, instead of a person, but maybe that's just me.
L4 delicious
L5-7 are good, but quite a few "you"s

S2 is lovely.
I adore L1!
L2 I'd lose the cap and add the punctuation. I know you mentioned it being a first draft, so I'll assume you are planning to go through and address these, there are random caps and punctuation issues here & there.
L3 is also lovely, but a bit crowded, maybe simplify?
L4 references speaking "back" but no one has yet spoken to it yet in the poem. I'd maybe just say "it does not speak" or "it does not reply when spoken to" or some such.
L5 & L6 a tad redundant to my ear, maybe condense to "except in the language of trees".

The title is okay, not thrilling. It also seemed to focus the poem different to the way I read it. Just my thoughts

Hope to have helped a bit... Your pen is a great addition here.

Best,
Sharon

[Colm Roe]

Hi and welcome T.
 

[indar]

Hi Trag,

What a stunning analogy: a lightening struck tree. As Sharon pointed out it suggests a profoundly numinous moment of the sort written about by early mystics who, once they experienced it, were forever filled with yearning for union. And that, of course could be analogous to other human relationships.

I lived in a forest of huge white pine in northern Wisconsin for a while. If one got lightening struck it meant the end but it took years of weeping sap from split bark and infestation.

I googled dryad and find it means a tree spirit. I thought it might mean a pagan tree worshiper. I'm a little onfused. 

But that doesn't diminish my appreciation of this wonderful first poem here.

So glad you have joined us

Linda

[Tragopandemonium]

Hi Trag,

What a stunning analogy: a lightening struck tree. As Sharon pointed out it suggests a profoundly numinous moment of the sort written about by early mystics who, once they experienced it, were forever filled with yearning for union. And that, of course could be analogous to other human relationships.

I lived in a forest of huge white pine in northern Wisconsin for a while. If one got lightening struck it meant the end but it took years of weeping sap from split bark and infestation.

I googled dryad and find it means a tree spirit. I thought it might mean a pagan tree worshiper. I'm a little onfused. 

But that doesn't diminish my appreciation of this wonderful first poem here.

So glad you have joined us

Linda

Thank you so very much for your words and thoughts Linda!  

Re: title, dryad is a female spirit that inhabits a tree--often illustrated as a sort of sexy Ent.  I was trying to emphasize the connection between woman's body and tree body - Basically trying to say with the title "I am the tree."  But it's not working.  Will revisit this
 

[Tragopandemonium]

A strong first entry... I like it quite a bit and have returned to re-read already a number of times. A few suggestions if you'll permit, take or toss if they don't pertain.

Best,
Sharon 

Sharon, so grateful for your time and insights!  I re-worked the poem and tightened it up a bit...see what you think:



I sometimes remember
When my body was split by a flaming sword - a shiver of lightning
The smoldering void gaped and waited 
for you to pour yourself into it
but you never did.
It happened many seasons ago.

My trunk with its twisted form is still
and silent in the afternoon light.
Place your hand on the bark and
feel a rough, quiet presence.
It does not give back the warmth 
of your palm.  
It does not answer.
Except in the language of trees.




(to respond to your thoughts):
S1
L1 - Think I agree about the time - my aim was to anchor the poem in the here and now and add a second line of of normalcy before the jump at L3, but I have no problem trying it without
L3 - Thank you! Not intentionally biblical,I just wanted a graphic splashy image

S2
L3 - tried to apply your suggestion 
L4 - I re-worked this - (was considering the touch a form of communication)
L6 - I do tend to use repetition in a my poems, sometimes for emphasis, sometimes to manage the pace- I cut it back and I like the result...

Did I make it better or worse?
 

[Sharon Leigh]

T, I do think it's stronger in places for your edits, but (and this might sound odd) I miss the words "it left" after "smoldering void". I'm not sure I can explain exactly why, it just seems to bring a sad permanence. Not a fan of "gaped". This of course is just me, so please bring in other opinion too and trust your own ear, I'm loathe to harm its voice

[Tragopandemonium]

T, I do think it's stronger in places for your edits, but (and this might sound odd) I miss the words "it left" after "smoldering void". I'm not sure I can explain exactly why, it just seems to bring a sad permanence. Not a fan of "gaped". This of course is just me, so please bring in other opinion too and trust your own ear, I'm loathe to harm its voice

Sad permanence is *exactly what I'm going for-I'll bring that back.  Thank you so much for your insights!!!

[NicoleMichaels]

Felt it. Welcome!