Sorry Elon

[lshmael]

I was born in a strange land
Full of green
I have never seen war
Except in the stars
Some lord holds in his eye

So many share his dream
So many do not know -
It is a sickness of dirt
That pilfers in the dark
Taking finer names
With deafening applause

I was born in the fields of kings
Come to love the poison grand -
Here is the flower of hubris
Roses for a western crown
In an autumn bloom

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi Ishmael, 

You have bitten off a lot with this poem.  I applaud your boldness.  I think we need to take risks, push the envelope, experiment with every poem.  You have done that in this poem with scope, persona and setting.

It is hard to write from the POV you have assumed – which remains in part undefined.  Our Narrator was born in a strange land / full of green, in the fields of kings.  The only other thing we are told about him/her is that s/he has only seen war in the stars in the eye of some lord.  

The lord is the second character in the poem.  We can assume, for lack of capitalization, that the reference is not to a religious deity, but rather some civil title-holder.  The only thing we are told about the lord is that war can be seen in the stars in his eye, and many people share his dream.  We are not told what the dream concerns.  

In Stanza 2 there is the implied suggestion that so many share the lord’s dream because they do not know what the N. knows - that sick dirt takes names and is applauded for it.    

Stanza 3 leaves open the matter of whether it is the N. or the kings who have ‘come to love the poison grand”.  Sorry, but I am unable to figure how the poem is affected one way or the other by how that question is resolved.

I have difficulty with the poem for several reasons.  First, there are two characters introduced.  Neither of them do anything, experience any change or insight, or seem to have any effect on the course of the poem.  The Narrator remains cloaked, obscure, raising the question of why first-person narrative was chosen.  Usually first-person allows the reader to look through the N’s eyes, or allows access to an illuminating set of thoughts and feelings.  

Second, the voice of the N. seems to assume an omniscient and prophetic tone, yet there are no apparent revelations or insights meaningfully shared.  I feel left outside the door while the N. has gone inside.

Since there is little literal meaning to the lines, I am sure the intent is symbolic.  Symbolic language is historically the heart and soul of poetry.  And there must be an opening for the reader to grasp the symbols.   A map has a key to the map symbols used.  A poem must also offer some guidance to the reader as to how to interpret.  

By way of example, the closing stanza:

I was born in the fields of kings     8    4
Come to love the poison grand -    7    4
Here is the flower of hubris           8    3
Roses for a western crown            7    3
In an autumn bloom                      5    3

These are the phrases of presumptive symbolic meaning: field of kings, poison grand, flower of hubris, roses, western crown, autumn bloom.  To what do they refer? How do they relate?  If the fields referred to oil fields, this could be unraveled in one direction.  If fields referred to Ebbets Field, the interpretation would go another direction.  Without any touchstone or key, there seems to be no way to get inside this.  I can image the references being, for example, to the closing years of the life of Ronald Reagan, or to the fatal manipulations of the California energy markets by Exon, or to Lillian Gish.   Or Roy Campanella, or the devastation of the First Nations, or the rise and fall of McDonalds.

I know you have something specific in mind with this poem, and the challenge will be to find ways to share with the reader what you are thinking/feeling.  

One comment on form.  Capitalization and punctuation are free-range tools for a poet.  Everyone has opinions on these matters, and ultimately, each writer chooses what to do for each poem.  I think a writer sacrifices an opportunity to signal the reader concerning sentences by capitalizing the first letter of every line whether it begins a sentence or not.  When you couple that with having no end-line [or end-sentence] punctuation, you run the risk of your reader having to spend too much time sorting out the grammar and syntax of the poetic lines/sentences.  That happened to me with this poem, but that could just be me.

There is also something to the title, Elon, which has eluded me.  

This is just my take.  Feel free to ignore all of this if it is not helpful or if you disagree.

Cheers.

T



 

[lshmael]

Hello Tracey, thank you for your very detailed review and critique of my poem. I wish this one got more attention than my other poem I don't really like to explain a poem but I will go a bit into it this time.

Yes you are missing something with the title. It was one of the final edits because I thought the poem was a bit too cryptic. It is a reference to Elon Musks company SpaceX. Which amongst other goals, aims for a mars landing by 2024. I am using the fact that Mars was the Roman god of war to highlight that the conscience of man is still in turmoil. Even if there are no world wars going on at the moment I see some world problems as more of an "economic war".

field of kings is meant to say I am born In a wealthy place/land
poison grand the excess and hubris of this place I partake in to some degree
flower of hubris the infected roses, as the sickness "takes finer names"
roses a pretty flower, but if they are dying....
western crown - this would turn into a crown of thorns
autumn bloom - again, they are dying from said "sickness" or hubris and in an unnatural bloom

I think that will do. It does ask a lot from the reader, but not an impossible amount in my opinion.