Death

[lshmael]

Two men take me to a cliff
they're friends
one sits by the edge
the other wonders why hes sad
it doesn't seem like much
until you're there
wondering what you'd do
how much grip his shoes have
watching the waves
I dream of that step
like a crystal stair
there is equity
what falls when we climb
to make our soul so like the ashes
of those we hold dear

[Colm Roe]

Hi Ishmael,
This needs more clarity, and it's quite 'telling'. Look at L6, 'until you're there'...your job as a poet is to put us there! To 'show' us your intent. And unfortunately I have no idea what you're trying to say. 
I'm sure I sound very critical, but I'm just trying to find a way to help you. 
Maybe write an explanation of what you want to say; I'm sure you'll then receive more suggestions on how to improve your poem.
Regards  

[lshmael]

You don't sound too critical at all Colm. Knowing you don't like it is just as useful as knowing you do. Thanks for taking the time to write your opinion

[indar]

Hi Ishmael,

I read the two men as aspects of the self caught in a dangerous conflict of belief and/or choice---and there they hang in a balance at the end leaving the reader in a state of tension. Dreamlike and a good analogy for some part of the human condition.

[Tracy Mitchell]

I like this a lot, Ishmael.  Interestingly, before you use the word 'dream', it feels/sounds like a dream-sequence.  Thereafter, crystal reality.  

I am looking at some punctuation to help the reader follow more smoothly through lines 10, 11, 12, & 13.  Perhaps an em-dash to end line 11, and a colon to end line 12.  Not so sure about a comma to end line 10.  Of course the sparcity of punctuation is a feature of the poem, but I wonder about loosening that stricture for these lines.

"what falls when we climb" --  a beautiful concept around which to build a poem.  Kudos!

T
 

[Dave]

Hi Ismael
At first sight I enjoyed this and then of course upon further reading questions arise.
In L1 why not just say: two friends takes to a cliff? In L4, who is sad and there is an apostrophe missing?
L6 and 7 can easily be solved if you write
It doesn't seem much until
You wonder what you would do.
Change his shoes to your shoes to complete the shift in person.

[Tracy Mitchell]

As I read this further, I am convinced there is a better word than 'equity'.  I know what the thought is, but 'equity' doesn't quiet do it.  You want a word meaning "push [or pull] toward equilibrium".   My thought is spend some time with this -- its the fulcrum of the poem.  Again, just my view.

T

[lshmael]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Yes it is missing an apostrophe. I thought that was the computers job these days I'm glad some of you liked it and I definitely agree it falls flat in some places.