And Again.

[Tim J Brennan]

1.
Awake to the sound of rain. Scent
of wet grass. The world is all right

at this hour. There is nothing
to see. Birds begin ownership

of the trees. No dispute. Soon
dawn will crawl to my door

like a dying cat. Peace
is running. Open eyes

clear and sharp
as the bird.


2.
Her voice leaves
the room, followed by her form—

a flower, a small cloud. I knew
this face

when it was white, enhanced
by brown hair.

Now the hair has tilted
toward grey.

[Tracy Mitchell]

A poem presented in two parts.  The two might stand alone, though considered in that way perhaps not doing what the author intends.

Part 1 is really amazing -- the facility with language. And there is the artistry of draping the sentences like commercial display silks over the stanzas.  The enjambments are a seminar in how-to.   True pleasure to read.

Birds begin ownership of the trees -- what an observation about impending dawn.  The dying cat is tremendous as well,  as it intuitively feels like that is the exact time of day a dying cat would show up.

Part 2 is a let-down in my view, after the bar was set so high in Part 1.  The S.1 L.1 line ending seems wrong - I stumble over it with each read.  My brother used to humorously read a passage from A Christmas Carol to be ". . . ran to the window and threw up [long pause . . . .] . . . 'the sash'.  I know its not fair, but the P. 2 S.1 L.1 enjambment brings this to mind.  

P.2 S.3 L.1 -- enhanced >> encircled  ?  Just asking.   

Not excited about the repeat of 'hair'.

Thanks for posting, Tim.

Cheers.

T

 

[Mark]

Well, I have a weakness for slanty-shaped poems so this is alright. The enjambments were strong for me too - along with the stippled sentences. I had the sensation of leaping from stepping stone to stepping stone in a nature setting, leading to some unseen conclusion. A pleasant effect, I must say.
S2 should be more engaging because of the human presence but somehow it isn't, not sure why, perhaps the sparser language leans toward an intended detachment. Either is potentially standalone but together I would perhaps consider a third, unifying, stanza.
Good writing.  

[indar]

The dawn as a dying cat image foreshadows the theme of aging addressed in the second stanza. But there is a lightness to this poem in total as evidenced by the clear, sharpeyed images at the end of part one that might speak of certain knowledge gained.

The title might indicate that despite the signs in aging there is a rebirth of appreciation born of that knowledge for the object of this poem ie "her"

[Colm Roe]

I can't see a reason for two parts? But that don't make no nevermind 
It's a beautifully written poem, you create so many images with such brevity.

'Her voice leaves
the room, followed by her form'

In these few words you describe their relationship, their closeness. And her enthusiasm, 
as she eagerly goes to (I assume) make breakfast, still talking to him as she leaves the room.

Really enjoyed the read.






 

[Tim J Brennan]

A poem presented in two parts.  The two might stand alone, though considered in that way perhaps not doing what the author intends.

Part 1 is really amazing -- the facility with language. And there is the artistry of draping the sentences like commercial display silks over the stanzas.  The enjambments are a seminar in how-to.   True pleasure to read.

Birds begin ownership of the trees -- what an observation about impending dawn.  The dying cat is tremendous as well,  as it intuitively feels like that is the exact time of day a dying cat would show up.

Part 2 is a let-down in my view, after the bar was set so high in Part 1.  The S.1 L.1 line ending seems wrong - I stumble over it with each read.  My brother used to humorously read a passage from A Christmas Carol to be ". . . ran to the window and threw up [long pause . . . .] . . . 'the sash'.  I know its not fair, but the P. 2 S.1 L.1 enjambment brings this to mind.  

P.2 S.3 L.1 -- enhanced >> encircled  ?  Just asking.   

Not excited about the repeat of 'hair'.

Thanks for posting, Tim.

Cheers.

T

Thanks for the critique, Tracy. A few things to look at from my POV, for sure. The "hair" thing, absolutely.

Not sure I'm following the Xmas thing...do you mean, The Night Before Xmas? Although I still don't get it. Mine doesn't have the same rhyme scheme as that at all and I don't believe it would be read like that, although I could be wrong. It's happened before
 

[Tim J Brennan]

Well, I have a weakness for slanty-shaped poems so this is alright. The enjambments were strong for me too - along with the stippled sentences. I had the sensation of leaping from stepping stone to stepping stone in a nature setting, leading to some unseen conclusion. A pleasant effect, I must say.
S2 should be more engaging because of the human presence but somehow it isn't, not sure why, perhaps the sparser language leans toward an intended detachment. Either is potentially standalone but together I would perhaps consider a third, unifying, stanza.
Good writing.  

I had a third S at a different site. It was savaged so I dropped it. But I like things in three's so maybe I'll bring it back in a different way.

Love your "stepping stones" image here. Thank you.

Both you and Tracy have reservations about S2. Need to look here.

[Tim J Brennan]

The dawn as a dying cat image foreshadows the theme of aging addressed in the second stanza. But there is a lightness to this poem in total as evidenced by the clear, sharpeyed images at the end of part one that might speak of certain knowledge gained.

The title might indicate that despite the signs in aging there is a rebirth of appreciation born of that knowledge for the object of this poem ie "her"

Title more about the repetition of life, Indar. Trying to find a new way to say something that others have said for a thousand years. "Dying cat" image just an extension of that same thinking. Glad that seems to be working for you and others.

Much of poetry has that seriousness w/a dash of lightness, methinks. Thanks for saying so and seeing it.

[Tim J Brennan]

I can't see a reason for two parts? But that don't make no nevermind 
It's a beautifully written poem, you create so many images with such brevity.

'Her voice leaves
the room, followed by her form'

In these few words you describe their relationship, their closeness. And her enthusiasm, 
as she eagerly goes to (I assume) make breakfast, still talking to him as she leaves the room.

Really enjoyed the read.






 

Thank you, Colm I am forever in search of the perfect love poem...how better to try than w/an image of a dying cat