Magician's Code

[Ike]

A magic man with exotic leathers,
Colors: brown, black,
and those you didn't know existed.

I swore I wouldn't, but
I told the magic man to hold my water,
for my new
magic trick.

The Magic Man
he fell down,
but only after I dropped the glass,
the glass
I didn't know I was holding.

And for a second,
we sat there wet.
Before the Magic Man
magic tricked.
And the Magic Man,
disappeared.

 

[indar]

Hi Ike

I surmise from the title there is a code to be deciphered here but it's beyond me. I hope its not an IQ test
I will continue to puzzle over it. If I fail to come up with anything I will become very angry

Just kidding.

[Mark]

Hmm... not terribly poetic but an easy enough read. I'm guessing the magician's code is to do with not revealing the trick?

[Ike]

Indar,

Not an IQ test haha. The title more refers to magicians not revealing their secrets, in this case not revealing the meaning of the poem exactly. Obviously that's not good poetry but I wanted to see what you guys thought of this sort of experiment. Thanks for the reply (this is the piece you mentioned that I deleted)

Mark,

You're not wrong about it lacking poetry, I suppose. There's certainly a number of places I could spruce it up. For some reason I really like the sound of "The Magic Man magic tricked, and The Magic Man disappeared" so I think I subconsciously followed suit vocabulary-wise for the entire poem. Thanks for the reply

 

[dploeser]

i like this poem.  it's so mysterious.  i would have loved to have been there and watched. 

[Ike]

David,

I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the reply!

Ike

[Dave]

Hi Ike
Maybe the puzzle here is an intetesting one to decipher and given my lazy self wont spend much time trying. The experiment with putting the code/puzzle is fine - although of no intrinsic interest to me - and the playing around line breaks and repetitions, assuming they are deliberate, are worthwhile pursuits too, though again they did not add up poetically for me. Holding water instantly me thinking of a phrase for not peeing. Which is infortunate. And some phrasing just soinds like pdgin english: the magic man, he fell down - that extra he is odd/interesting. Plenty to ponder i guess..

[Colm Roe]

A magic man with exotic leathers
Colors: brown, black
and those you didn't know existed.

I swore I wouldn't, but
I told the magic man to hold my water,
for my new
magic trick.

The Magic Man
he fell down,
but only after I dropped the glass,
the glass
I didn't know I was holding.

And for a second,
we sat there wet.
Before the Magic Man
magic tricked.
And the Magic Man,
disappeared.

 

What are 'exotic leathers'?
'Colours' is redundant, because we know what brown and black are. And I'm pretty sure we all know the spectrum of colours, and wouldn't be surprised by any variation of them.
So the first stanza is weak, and you really have to grab our attention at the start.
The rest is just opaque. You knew you were holding the water, then later say you didn't know you were holding it? And the repeated words are annoying.
Even if there is some logic behind this, and even if you explained your intention beforehand, this (for me) doesn't/won't work.
Hope I don't come across as being over critical Ike, I have to be honest.
Regards 

 

[Ike]

Hey Colm,

All of your crits are fair and I much prefer the honesty over the alternative! This one is, to be fair, very weak but I like the mystery. Perhaps Ill build that mystery into something more eloquent and refined, or at least give it a go 

[Colm Roe]

You are enjoying writing, that's obvious. 
And you're writing for yourself, that's as it should be.
When I started, if I was told I had to write for others I would have stopped.
Explore, go crazy, make mistakes (if that's really possible) and never believe that my 
comments are anything more than just my comments.
I suppose what I'm saying is to accept advice, but never let it distort your voice.
You have a great attitude, keep writing.
BTW eloquence and refinement aren't prerequisites; an author's trailer park honesty is every bit 
as appealing as Park Avenue's...maybe more so