The Headmaster's Classroom

[NM Oliver]

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[Colm Roe]

Hi Oliver,
In L1 should 'this' be 'that'. It would be correct if the N was narrating it from the actual room.
In S2 the 'Heaney' reference suggests the ten year old was familiar with him? 
Two small crits on a very engaging poem.
S1 brought me back to my primary school years, and the 'weapons' of choice each teacher would use; culminating 
in 5th/6th class with either a wooden ruler (on its edge) or slim cane aimed skilfully for the very tips of our fingers. 
Especially painful on a cold Winter's day. I love the restraint in L3/4, the clever way you don't say what he did with stick...but we know!
And S3's 'finger and thumb' shows us much more than its three words...the precision of cruelty inflicted, and the disdain for children under his charge, like he's 
picking up a piece of trash. How his mother combed his hair also speaks volumes.
The last line I was unsure about on the first read or two. But once again it speaks volumes, how the young child, up until then, was so comfortable with adults and had obviously been treated so well by them he called them all 'Uncle'.
Very nice poem. Looking forward to reading more.
Regards

 
 

[NM Oliver]

Hi Oliver,
In L1 should 'this' be 'that'. It would be correct if the N was narrating it from the actual room.
In S2 the 'Heaney' reference suggests the ten year old was familiar with him? 
Two small crits on a very engaging poem.
S1 brought me back to my primary school years, and the 'weapons' of choice each teacher would use; culminating 
in 5th/6th class with either a wooden ruler (on its edge) or slim cane aimed skilfully for the very tips of our fingers. 
Especially painful on a cold Winter's day. I love the restraint in L3/4, the clever way you don't say what he did with stick...but we know!
And S3's 'finger and thumb' shows us much more than its three words...the precision of cruelty inflicted, and the disdain for children under his charge, like he's 
picking up a piece of trash. How his mother combed his hair also speaks volumes.
The last line I was unsure about on the first read or two. But once again it speaks volumes, how the young child, up until then, was so comfortable with adults and had obviously been treated so well by them he called them all 'Uncle'.
Very nice poem. Looking forward to reading more.
Regards

 
 

Hi Colm

Thanks for taking the time with this.
You are right, this should be that and I'll change it.

I have to admit I have struggled with the Heaney line. The child did not know him personally but this took place in the same village Heaney was from and the headmaster was a big fan, so made sure his poetry was read in class, which at 10 yrs old is difficult to connect with. So it is supposed to be a background noise to the daydream.

Re the ending: i like your interpretation but it is actually less cryptic: the headmaster is really the childs uncle but of course he's forbidden to call him that.
Hope that comes across clearer after another read?

Thanks again Colm for your comments and compliments. I'm glad you could connect with this one but sorry it's for those reasons!

[Colm Roe]

While I sometimes over analyse things, and get them 'wrong', I'll stick to my understanding of the last S

[NM Oliver]

While I sometimes over analyse things, and get them 'wrong', I'll stick to my understanding of the last S

That's cool with me.

[Tim J Brennan]

I like your explanation. I also like Colm's interpretation. Okay to have differences in poetry as much as any other artistic medium.

On first read, I was actually looking at "never calling him uncle" as defiance on the youngster's part, like not giving in and saying, "uncle" to the headmaster. Maybe this is too much a yank's reading on my part.

Good read. Enjoyed. Love a good narration.

[NM Oliver]

I like your explanation. I also like Colm's interpretation. Okay to have differences in poetry as much as any other artistic medium.

On first read, I was actually looking at "never calling him uncle" as defiance on the youngster's part, like not giving in and saying, "uncle" to the headmaster. Maybe this is too much a yank's reading on my part.

Good read. Enjoyed. Love a good narration.

Thanks Tim.

Funny how the ending can be read in various ways. I guess I could try to clear it all up but perhaps leaving something to ponder isn't such a bad thing.
 

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hello NM, 

I enjoyed this poem.  This is a man’s recollection of perceived harsh treatment as a schoolboy by his headmaster uncle.  The story is presented in four stanzas of four free verse lines each.  

I don’t play soccer and have never heard of Ian Rush, but knew on first reading exactly what this is about.  I recall experiencing a similar incident in school when I was 11 years old – a parallel tale of outrageous injustice.      I assume the story rings true as well with many other readers.

That said, I confess to having no clue about the reference to Seamus Heaney and the background chorus.  Google failed to help on that.  Damn google.  

If I were you, I would be tempted to play with this draft awhile and see where it goes.  With twelve of the sixteen lines having between 8-12 syllables, can it be put into a meter?  A ten-syllable line base might help the poem, even without using iambic or trochaic meter.  It might be beneficially be brought to blank verse as well.  Finally, could it be profitably massaged into a sonnet?  Just asking, because it strikes me as a draft worth testing in those directions.

A few other comments:

S.1 L.1 – that room was > his room seemed ?

S.1 L.2 – delete the ?

S.1 L.3 – the well-worn metre stick . . . ?

S.1 L.4 – measure a length > measure a length ?

S.2 L.1 – From the window > Through a window [ gets rid of one of two “the”s in the line.]

S.3 L.1 – brought – is there a better, sharper, more active or expressive verb to be found?

S.3 L.4 – extraneous info - it feels to me as if it were tacked on to make four lines.  Is there something more helpful to the poem’s advancement to substitute in?

S.4  – I get what the stanza is trying to do, but the lines have grown long and ungainly, the grammar a bit more plodding than you would want in your closing stanza.  The ideas are good, nice surprise about the familial relation and the older brother’s experience with the headmaster.  I think the language needs to be tweaked to streamline the narrative.  

Just my opinion.  Feel free to ignore if this doesn’t seem helpful.  

And again, welcome to TTB.

T

 

[NM Oliver]

Hello NM, 

I enjoyed this poem.  This is a man’s recollection of perceived harsh treatment as a schoolboy by his headmaster uncle.  The story is presented in four stanzas of four free verse lines each.  

I don’t play soccer and have never heard of Ian Rush, but knew on first reading exactly what this is about.  I recall experiencing a similar incident in school when I was 11 years old – a parallel tale of outrageous injustice.      I assume the story rings true as well with many other readers.

That said, I confess to having no clue about the reference to Seamus Heaney and the background chorus.  Google failed to help on that.  Damn google.  

If I were you, I would be tempted to play with this draft awhile and see where it goes.  With twelve of the sixteen lines having between 8-12 syllables, can it be put into a meter?  A ten-syllable line base might help the poem, even without using iambic or trochaic meter.  It might be beneficially be brought to blank verse as well.  Finally, could it be profitably massaged into a sonnet?  Just asking, because it strikes me as a draft worth testing in those directions.

A few other comments:

S.1 L.1 – that room was > his room seemed ?

S.1 L.2 – delete the ?

S.1 L.3 – the well-worn metre stick . . . ?

S.1 L.4 – measure a length > measure a length ?

S.2 L.1 – From the window > Through a window[ gets rid of one of two “the”s in the line.]

S.3 L.1 – brought – is there a better, sharper, more active or expressive verb to be found?

S.3 L.4 – extraneous info - it feels to me as if it were tacked on to make four lines.  Is there something more helpful to the poem’s advancement to substitute in?

S.4  – I get what the stanza is trying to do, but the lines have grown long and ungainly, the grammar a bit more plodding than you would want in your closing stanza.  The ideas are good, nice surprise about the familial relation and the older brother’s experience with the headmaster.  I think the language needs to be tweaked to streamline the narrative.  

Just my opinion.  Feel free to ignore if this doesn’t seem helpful.  

And again, welcome to TTB.

T

Hi Tracy, thank you. Your comments have been very helpful and immediately I could see some of the edits you mentioned.
Based on that and a couple of other ideas I have made some changes throughout, dropping/replacing unnecessary words and have shortened the ending a little.

Well worn is a great idea.  I like that.

Also made a switch with S3 L4 - any better?

Haven't contemplated the meter at this point but still a work in progress of course.
I'd be keen to hear your thoughts on it again.

this was the original version:

Nothing in that room was child friendly -
the illegible cursive chalk board markings,
the metre stick within his reach,
never used to measure a length or breadth.

From my chair I could see the playing field.
Soon as the bell would ring, I’d be Ian Rush
winning the Cup with a last gasp diving header
to a background chorus of Seamus Heaney.

Celebrations brought to an acute end
and me to my feet as his finger and thumb
tightly gripped the hair that fell around my ear
which my mum had neatly combed.

Trying to recall the lessons of my big brother
but aged ten it’s just as easy to forget as to dream.
He'd told me the headmaster had no favourites.
He'd told me to remember to never call him Uncle.