Thorns

[Matty11]

Revision

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

footie-mad
us

and his beloved
roses

 


Original

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

 

[Dave]

It is hsrd to say why but the short lines and line endings work in the first 3 stanzas in an ee cummings sort of way but lose impact in the last two stanzas. Somehow splitting footie mad and kids doesnt add much and seems expedient. Ditto yellow roses. A differentvkind of poem for you Matty

[Tim J Brennan]

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

 

...room to play here, methinks. I might be tempted to break "footie- / mad kids" like this to match "out / -side" Maybe "his" roses. Not sure "yellow" really adds anything, except to indicate Texas or something. "His" might give the totter to the teeter and draw that line between parent and child.

I like this. I want to like it more.

[Matty11]

It is hsrd to say why but the short lines and line endings work in the first 3 stanzas in an ee cummings sort of way but lose impact in the last two stanzas. Somehow splitting footie mad and kids doesnt add much and seems expedient. Ditto yellow roses. A differentvkind of poem for you Matty

Thanks Dave. Like to roll a dice. Not sure how to fix this, but I know what you mean.

cheers

Matty

[Matty11]

Thanks Tim. I've tried his in the poem, but I quite like the pedestal feel of the. Yellow is used to symbolise jealousy in some traditions, but that is a bit obscure. Will tweak.

cheers

Matty

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

 

...room to play here, methinks. I might be tempted to break "footie- / mad kids" like this to match "out / -side" Maybe "his" roses. Not sure "yellow" really adds anything, except to indicate Texas or something. "His" might give the totter to the teeter and draw that line between parent and child.

I like this. I want to like it more.

[Mark]

Prefer the original, simpler version. Sparse everything.

[Matty11]

Thanks Mark. Yes, a useful template to work within. Have pruned.

cheers

Matty

[Colm Roe]

I too prefer the original 

[Matty11]

Thanks Colm. Still tweaking an adjective for those bloody roses

cheers

matty

[Colm Roe]

Precious?