Thorns

[HLemma]

I like the original version better, yellow roses especially, though I wonder why you chose not to use an article in S1 (i.e. a chair) but chose to use them in S2, 3, and 5. In such a minimalistic piece, such an inconsistency really stands out.

I must admit I am not familiar with the phrase "footie mad". That threw me a bit.

[NM Oliver]

Revision

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

footie-mad
us

and his beloved
roses

 


Original

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

 

Hi Matty

I have watched the evolution of the roses over the last 24 hrs.
I liked pristine but maybe that was when muddied was in.

innocent roses?

[Matty11]

Thanks Colm, Niall and Hugh. Yes, precious, could be the simple option, though familiar, or I could go back to yellow. I went for beloved because of love and where his heart is. I tried pristine/serene, but both felt forced. One to put in the nearly drawer for now

cheers

matty

[Mark]

falling
impaled
 

[Matty11]

impaled - like the irony Mark

[indar]

I like "beloved" it heightens the absence of the father who so loved those roses. I also think "thorns" is a good title---might be an overworked comparison to the old idea of "with beauty---pain" but still, the specific pain associated with these particular roses sets it apart.

[Matty11]

Thanks for taking a look at this Indar. I'm comfortable with the diction, and the content has potential, but the form carries too much WCW baggage.

cheers

matty

I like "beloved" it heightens the absence of the father who so loved those roses. I also think "thorns" is a good title---might be an overworked comparison to the old idea of "with beauty---pain" but still, the specific pain associated with these particular roses sets it apart.

 

[indar]

WCW???

[Matty11]

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/ ... heelbarrow

[indar]

Oh that---over-rated