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Thorns
Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 11:43 pm
by Matty11
Revision
chair left out
-side
the back door
where
Dad sat and kept
an eye on
footie-mad
us
and his beloved
roses
Original
chair left out
-side
the back door
where
Dad sat and kept
an eye on
us footie-mad
kids
and the yellow
roses
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:01 am
by Dave
It is hsrd to say why but the short lines and line endings work in the first 3 stanzas in an ee cummings sort of way but lose impact in the last two stanzas. Somehow splitting footie mad and kids doesnt add much and seems expedient. Ditto yellow roses. A differentvkind of poem for you Matty
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 6:35 am
by Tim J Brennan
Matty11 wrote: ↑Tue Sep 11, 2018 11:43 pm
chair left out
-side
the back door
where
Dad sat and kept
an eye on
us footie-mad
kids
and the yellow
roses
...room to play here, methinks. I might be tempted to break "footie- / mad kids" like this to match "out / -side" Maybe "his" roses. Not sure "yellow" really adds anything, except to indicate Texas or something. "His" might give the totter to the teeter and draw that line between parent and child.
I like this. I want to like it more.
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:20 am
by Matty11
Dave wrote: ↑Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:01 am
It is hsrd to say why but the short lines and line endings work in the first 3 stanzas in an ee cummings sort of way but lose impact in the last two stanzas. Somehow splitting footie mad and kids doesnt add much and seems expedient. Ditto yellow roses. A differentvkind of poem for you Matty
Thanks Dave. Like to roll a dice. Not sure how to fix this, but I know what you mean.
cheers
Matty
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:35 am
by Matty11
Thanks Tim. I've tried
his in the poem, but I quite like the pedestal feel of
the. Yellow is used to symbolise jealousy in some traditions, but that is a bit obscure. Will tweak.
cheers
Matty
Tim J Brennan wrote: ↑Wed Sep 12, 2018 6:35 am
Matty11 wrote: ↑Tue Sep 11, 2018 11:43 pm
chair left out
-side
the back door
where
Dad sat and kept
an eye on
us footie-mad
kids
and the yellow
roses
...room to play here, methinks. I might be tempted to break "footie- / mad kids" like this to match "out / -side" Maybe "his" roses. Not sure "yellow" really adds anything, except to indicate Texas or something. "His" might give the totter to the teeter and draw that line between parent and child.
I like this. I want to like it more.
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 11:56 am
by Mark
Prefer the original, simpler version. Sparse everything.
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 1:30 pm
by Matty11
Thanks Mark. Yes, a useful template to work within. Have pruned.
cheers
Matty
Re: Thorns
Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 6:27 pm
by Colm Roe
I too prefer the original
Re: Thorns
Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:01 am
by Matty11
Thanks Colm. Still tweaking an adjective for those bloody roses
cheers
matty
Re: Thorns
Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 6:27 am
by Colm Roe
Precious?