A Swell

[Tim J Brennan]

In this dream
you are sketching a drawing
of a later me, like water moving,
how it makes a hollow in the sand
at a bend downstream. 

At times we are touching; other times
we are talking but mostly you are watching
me drift away. 

A man can only apologize for so much:
not for the waves, the low tides, the sharpness
of rocks near shore ~ the bloody feet. 

I hope to die first. I dislike
explanations that much ~ 

and I know why ~ your body stretched, 
extending shivers, its turbulence;
all my fine hairs standing on end. 

To float is to be alive. Do it and mouth
the strokes it takes to stay near the surface.

[Colm Roe]

I'd prefer if S4 was more restrained, and would love to read any edit you might come up with. Everything else is so focused and controlled and utterly fab. 
Tim, this is seriously seriously good and the last S....
I'm envious of this one for sure...bastard!

[Dave]

I am not sure what i think of this. Generally cant relate much to poems or stories featuring dreams. It is not real so somehow i dont feel compelled to care, like finding bobby ewing in the shower. Still my problem not yours.
S 1 i presume the like water moving refers to 'me' rather than you drawing. If so, i would drop the comma. Even then i cant picture it nor how it fits to the narrative. To float is to be alive but water moving, drifting etc appear as shifts towards dissolution. Also i would suggest cutting ' like water moving' and simply saying, ' like water makes a hollow in the sand'.
I would suggest chaning present progressive to present simple, especially in S2
S3 is cliche.
S4 is strong although the first line appear pretty much verbatim in another poem here recently
S5 is bizzarely selfish and cruel. I would suggest replacing 'that' with 'so' as it too colloquial. This stanza really swings the poem into another mood from which it hardly recovers. I presume the next stanza is imagination rather than real - an image of her dead body. The body being stretched however echoes the floating in the ladt stanza which we are told is life.
I could be entirely wrong in all this of course.

[Tim J Brennan]

I'd prefer if S4 was more restrained, and would love to read any edit you might come up with. Everything else is so focused and controlled and utterly fab. 
Tim, this is seriously seriously good and the last S....
I'm envious of this one for sure...bastard!

Hi, Colm,

...could you elaborate more on "restrained" (e.g. meaning?)...I originally had more connected w/S4 and before revealing it, would like to know your definition of "restrained"

Thanks.  Thanks for all your words. 

[Tim J Brennan]

I am not sure what i think of this. Generally cant relate much to poems or stories featuring dreams. It is not real so somehow i dont feel compelled to care, like finding bobby ewing in the shower. Still my problem not yours.
S 1 i presume the like water moving refers to 'me' rather than you drawing. If so, i would drop the comma. Even then i cant picture it nor how it fits to the narrative. To float is to be alive but water moving, drifting etc appear as shifts towards dissolution. Also i would suggest cutting ' like water moving' and simply saying, ' like water makes a hollow in the sand'.
I would suggest chaning present progressive to present simple, especially in S2
S3 is cliche.
S4 is strong although the first line appear pretty much verbatim in another poem here recently
S5 is bizzarely selfish and cruel. I would suggest replacing 'that' with 'so' as it too colloquial. This stanza really swings the poem into another mood from which it hardly recovers. I presume the next stanza is imagination rather than real - an image of her dead body. The body being stretched however echoes the floating in the ladt stanza which we are told is life.
I could be entirely wrong in all this of course.

"I am not sure what I think of this"  

Well, you didn't have too much trouble articulating it, Dave     Will have to try and absorb this a bit before responding.  Thanks for the time spent.   

[Colm Roe]

'I hope to Christ....' to my ear, doesn't fit with the other lines. 'Christ' is the problem IMO, 'I hope I die first' really says the same thing

[Tim J Brennan]

'I hope to Christ....' to my ear, doesn't fit with the other lines. 'Christ' is the problem IMO, 'I hope I die first' really says the same thing

Easily edited, Colm. Thanks, and I agree.

If only all problems could be fixed so easily by erasing Christ.  

[Mark]

A finely spun piece. Enjoyed.

[Colm Roe]

But the Good Friday [erasion] of Christ saved us all Tim! 
It's strange (or maybe not) the way we appreciate (or not) a poem. Dave's take
is so different to mine. His POV is (of course) as valid.
I'll always remember my disappointment when I eventually saw the Mona Lisa; 
not that I ever really liked it. But I expected a different experience. 



 
 

[Tim J Brennan]

A finely spun piece. Enjoyed.

Thank you, Mark.