At which precise moment did you know.. revision

[NM Oliver]

Pages

At the first signs of frost
the geese arrowed south.

You left footprints in the dew
of a garden filled with webs
suddenly visible in morning mist.

I linger in our house
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.

 
Original

At which precise moment did you know
the lake birds had left for the south?
that winter was too rough for you,
who dress in autumn’s beaten hues?

That morning you fled through dew;
stranded me among suddenly visible
phrases strung like webs abandoned
by evening’s chill tide.

Now, I linger
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.

Hello Dave
Significant changes from the original and certainly all positive. I like how it doesn't become evident until the end. Stripped back with much more impact.
 

[Wren Tuatha]

Hi Dave, 

Nice one. I read the frost, geese, footprints, dew, garden, webs, morning, mist, house, and book as all simple direct images that mark the presence and the absence. I feel like those images have done that before, none really surprised me, but they're handled adeptly here. 

I enjoyed the economy of the verb, arrowing. 

This snapshot of the missing of the absent person leaves me curious as to the nature of the leaving--Death? Travels? Breakup? Or maybe something in the garden or the book simply inspired the subject to move out into the world for some purpose. The N seems uninterested in the why so much as the frozen moment of "gone." 

The best gift for me here is the sense of time as both moving and frozen in image cues. 

Thanks, Wren

[Mark]

Re-reading this for the first time in a while - the original's better imo.

[Tracy Mitchell]

My vote is for the re-write.  Succinct, clean.  Don't change a jot or tittle.  Do the next poem, this one is finalized.  Wonderfully so.  The last stanza is so emotional, and so well earned by it economically fashioned set-up. 

T

 

[Dave]

Thanks Wren, Mark for looking again and Tracy. Moving on now.

[Matty11]

Sorry Dave, just to add...I liked both versions...the original had more emotional tug, the revision more polish. Perhaps you could water down the alliteration and find something more inventive than filled.

cheers

matty

 

Pages

At the first signs of frost
the geese arrowed south.

You left footprints in the dew
of a garden filled with webs
suddenly visible in morning mist.

I linger in our house
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.

 
Original

At which precise moment did you know
the lake birds had left for the south?
that winter was too rough for you,
who dress in autumn’s beaten hues?

That morning you fled through dew;
stranded me among suddenly visible
phrases strung like webs abandoned
by evening’s chill tide.

Now, I linger
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.