At which precise moment did you know.. revision

[Dave]

Pages

At the first signs of frost
the geese arrowed south.

You left footprints in the dew
of a garden filled with webs
suddenly visible in morning mist.

I linger in our house
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.

 
Original

At which precise moment did you know
the lake birds had left for the south?
that winter was too rough for you,
who dress in autumn’s beaten hues?

That morning you fled through dew;
stranded me among suddenly visible
phrases strung like webs abandoned
by evening’s chill tide.

Now, I linger
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.

 

[Mark]

Sad and poignant, reads like a grief poem.

[Colm Roe]

S3 is excellent.
S1 and S2 are too melodramatic; is there any reason for knowing the precise moment? Would it have made a difference if it had been two minutes before or after that 'precise' moment?
It reads heartfelt, but a bit too archaic for my taste. 

 

[Tim J Brennan]

At which precise moment did you know

the lake birds had left for the south,
that winter was too rough for you,
who dress in autumn’s beaten hues?

That morning you fled through dew;
stranded me among suddenly visible
phrases strung like webs abandoned
by evening’s chill tide.

Now, I linger
beside the book you were reading,
its pages yellowing into new season
but never turning.

"At which precise moment..." implies there's more than one, Dave, and it borders on cliche.   

I might be off here, but since the poem is in past tense, I question "dress"....

I like the changing of the seasons theme. Very much. I live in the fly zone for Canada geese. Thousands are on the move as I read this, their V's like the very essence of instinctual life.  I almost feel pity for someone who hasn't experienced a four season year.  Your language is consistent and almost heart-warming.

S1 is the strongest, and then S3.  S2 needs attention, in my opinion. Very abstract...nothing to glam onto. I can't see it like I see the geese and the book with all its yellowing pages. 
 

[Dave]

Thanks for all the comments. Colm, probably you are right that it is not necessary to know the precise moment, though there is much evidence from humans that they do indeed desire to know. This, however, is a poem I realise.
Thanks Tim - the implication is indeed more Moments - the geese never just up and go from one Moment to the next. Anyway, point take.

I will post changes.

Dave

[indar]

Hi Dave,

Some of the compelling aspects of your first draft got lost in the rewrite. 

I love the images in this passage but it seems a bit wordy:

[font]You left footprints in the dew
of a garden filled with webs
suddenly visible in morning mist.[/font]
 
Perhaps:

You left footprints in the garden dew
filled with webs made visible by morning mist.

Love the last S but the image might be better if the N's gaze often lingers on the book. 

Loss and grief poem for sure---poignant.

[Dave]

Thanks Indar
The Revision was designed to lose some stuff, but good comments.
Dave
 

[dploeser]

very sad poem.  sometimes remembering the past even when it's painful, puts a smile on your face.

[HLemma]

I like the revised version very much, especially S3. 

Shouldn't it read "into a new season"? 

[Dave]

Thanks for the comments. Into new season was a choice enough in prose grammar there should be an a