Welcome to The Tangled Branch!  Join us.

Home Cooking

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
Tim J Brennan

Home Cooking

Post by Tim J Brennan » Sun Sep 30, 2018 1:30 pm

She knows this one is a favorite,
pricks both ends, blows softly to empty
yolk, its white

flushes the shell under tap, warm
water entering, exiting its tiny holes.
She mixes milk of almonds with sugar
and cinnamon, sifts white, then yolk,
then white again, uses a micro-funnel
to refill, heats

all of this a sweet trick, really,
and when he knows
she is going to make this,
he stops at the door, watches
her mouth pressed to the crown,
white streaks mixed with yellow oozing
from shell's ends
Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
Mark
Posts: 586
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Mark » Sun Sep 30, 2018 4:01 pm

More a gentle love poem than a recipe poem but is still quite bland in parts. The ending,  last 4 lines, feels like a confusion of subject attribution. What is yellow? Her mouth or the crown? I don't understand what is the crown in this context? So the ending stumbles, at least for me. A nice poem but the writing is not as consistent as your other work.  

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Colm Roe » Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:00 pm

Nice one Tim.
I think the end works really well. 
'Lovely' is the only thing I have a problem with...way too telling.  Him waiting by the door, watching, is enough for me to grasp the affection. 
I assume 'pressed to the crown' is the way a mouth moves when we concentrate.
Anywho, lovely light touch in this write.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Dave » Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:57 am

If you takes the pricks from s1 and put it with crown in the last stanza especially when the result is oozing there is very little romance in this poem. I see Marks linguistic problem with the last stanza and yet it is the only one that sings. The others are a bit cookbook descriptive.

Tim J Brennan

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:24 pm

Mark wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 4:01 pm
More a gentle love poem than a recipe poem but is still quite bland in parts. The ending,  last 4 lines, feels like a confusion of subject attribution. What is yellow? Her mouth or the crown? I don't understand what is the crown in this context? So the ending stumbles, at least for me. A nice poem but the writing is not as consistent as your other work.  

Thanks, Mark. Yolk is yellow. Also, think a different definition for "crown"...I also edited the "its" a bit to clarify what is oozing. I can see your confusion.
Last edited by Tim J Brennan on Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Tim J Brennan

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:27 pm

Colm Roe wrote:
Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:00 pm
Nice one Tim.
I think the end works really well. 
'Lovely' is the only thing I have a problem with...way too telling.  Him waiting by the door, watching, is enough for me to grasp the affection. 
I assume 'pressed to the crown' is the way a mouth moves when we concentrate.
Anywho, lovely light touch in this write.

Surprising since you use it in your critique ;) but I agree about "lovely"...I will edit it out.

Thanks, Colm

Tim J Brennan

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Oct 01, 2018 12:29 pm

Dave wrote:
Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:57 am
If you takes the pricks from s1 and put it with crown in the last stanza especially when the result is oozing there is very little romance in this poem. I see Marks linguistic problem with the last stanza and yet it is the only one that sings. The others are a bit cookbook descriptive.

Not sure I understand your first thought, Dave. Glad the last stanza sings for you. Not sure why folks think this is about "romance" but I edited out lovely. Maybe this will help. Maybe not.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Dave
Posts: 1991
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Dave » Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:42 pm

Oral sex oral sex oral sex. I have spelt it out now. Prick lovely mouth kissing a crown which oozes and even if you intended something else the words are there to be understood. I also find no romance

Tim J Brennan

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Tim J Brennan » Mon Oct 01, 2018 5:11 pm

Dave wrote:
Mon Oct 01, 2018 2:42 pm
Oral sex oral sex oral sex. I have spelt it out now. Prick lovely mouth kissing a crown which oozes and even if you intended something else the words are there to be understood. I also find no romance

Thanks, David. Was hoping someone would pick up on this interpretation.

There actually is a "poached" recipe where the yolk is sucked out of the shell through two pin prick holes in the shell, but I wanted to leave the reader w/a dual meaning.

User avatar
Colm Roe
Posts: 2697
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Home Cooking

Post by Colm Roe » Mon Oct 01, 2018 6:43 pm

And here's me thinking I had a dirty mind. 
I still see a nice warm relationship. And I'd appreciate it if you and Dave took your filth elsewhere.
'Pricks both ends'...disgusting! 
 

Post Reply