The Tangled Branch Discussion Forums

Lime green and pink:
the first I stumbled across,
in Sunday school,
the basement of Oak Grove Lutheran,
coloring sheets handed out
depicted Biblical figures--
Moses' robes if I remember--
a revelation.

No lone Crayola can be understood
until, under pressure,
it gives of itself
in community with its fellows
on bond paper.

Only years later would I discover
the color wheel.

 

This is very uplifting poem indar.
Especially S2, beautiful metaphor.
Great to have you back

Hi Linda - trust you are well. Lovely poem. it's > its

Thank you both Colm and Mark, for the read, the welcome back and your comments. Mark I blushed deep red and then changed the contraction

There's no Like button, but I'd use it. The only nit (for me) is the over-use of commas. Makes me want to stop/start when I don't want to stop/start.

Thanks Tim,

I could get rid of the comma after Sunday school and exchange a full stop for the one after Lutheran. Don't know if that would help. My intention was for it to read somewhat like an address or very specific place. That kind of endeavor could be a function of age---you know, dotage. 

Open to suggestions.

indar wrote: ↑

Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:12 am

Thanks Tim,

I could get rid of the comma after Sunday school and exchange a full stop for the one after Lutheran. Don't know if that would help. My intention was for it to read somewhat like an address or very specific place. That kind of endeavor could be a function of age---you know, dotage. 

Open to suggestions.

Well, we all have that inner voice on how we think a poem should sound. How it suits us, so to speak. Mine doesn't like a sputtering caused by too many commas.

I guess my only other comment would be that today's addresses have fewer commas in them on envelopes, etc. than they used to have back in the day. Everything does. Doesn't make it right or better. I like what you've written. Just didn't suit my reading of it.

hi Indar,
            Like how you conclude with 'discover' because the poem begins with a picture of innocence and discovery. The conclusion points to an order, where the opening is the random 'stumbled'. I presumed the 'pressure' was the encouragement on the 'loner' to join in. I took a positive outcome from 'gives' and 'community'. Colours bring out other colours.

Thanks for sharing

Phil

 

indar wrote: ↑

Sun Oct 07, 2018 1:47 pm

Lime green and pink:
the first I stumbled across,
in Sunday school,
the basement of Oak Grove Lutheran,
coloring sheets handed out
depicted Biblical figures--
Moses' robes if I remember--
a revelation.

No lone Crayola can be understood
until, under pressure,
it gives of itself
in community with its fellows
on bond paper.

Only years later would I discover
the color wheel.

 

 

Lovely poem indar.

Thank you both,

I appreciate your overview Phil--always gratifying when a reader discerns my intent.

Thank you Dave, for the positive response.