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Journey
Journey
Journey
Mortality is so inevitable and yet thereafter so unknown.
We nod to faith and fill our eyes
with clever ideas of the times.
Life is blindly embroiled in ego
and cold survival of the genes.
But fantastically, it does seem an essence rises to a bliss.
Mortality is so inevitable and yet thereafter so unknown.
We nod to faith and fill our eyes
with clever ideas of the times.
Life is blindly embroiled in ego
and cold survival of the genes.
But fantastically, it does seem an essence rises to a bliss.
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3449
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Journey
Mark -- always a treat to grapple with your unique broad-brush, intensely personal and wildly creative poems.
This one scores on all counts.
I am most taken with the reducing line count in each stanza, and the blank space to signify the line absence. Of course the question is begged -- what is the line which is silent -- what is to be said that isn't being said?
One of my first lessons in poetry was to look for what is not being said as well as that which is.
And then there is the philosophical point about the limits of language -- "Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must pass over in silence". -- Ludwig Wittgenstein.
So . . . .
In S.1 L.1 -- for my money I'd consider deleting "yet", "invitable" and one of the "so"s.
S.1 L.2 & 5 -- these lines are brilliant.
S.1 L --essence rises to a bliss -- I don't know what this means, have no reference for it.
S.2 -- wonderful stanza. This reader is considering where exactly the missing line might attend, as well as its substance.
S.3 -- this stanza strikes me as purely autobiographical, and the "you" simply means the narrator is cogitating to himself.
S.4 -- too charged for me to unpack it properly. Sorry.
S.5 -- Sorry Mark - I get lost with "that" and "this" -- I don't know to what they refer.
S.6 -- Brilliance. This stanza glows with the unsaid, which has subtly been building to this conclusion.
Love the poem.
I will definitely be back many times. I can tell from this poem that Lee is still with you, as she is with the Narrator in this poem. All of this in a good way, though the Narrator remains in a wistful/nostalgic/melancholy state of mind.
Just my opinion.
Nice to see you posting, Mark.
Cheers.
T
This one scores on all counts.
I am most taken with the reducing line count in each stanza, and the blank space to signify the line absence. Of course the question is begged -- what is the line which is silent -- what is to be said that isn't being said?
One of my first lessons in poetry was to look for what is not being said as well as that which is.
And then there is the philosophical point about the limits of language -- "Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must pass over in silence". -- Ludwig Wittgenstein.
So . . . .
In S.1 L.1 -- for my money I'd consider deleting "yet", "invitable" and one of the "so"s.
S.1 L.2 & 5 -- these lines are brilliant.
S.1 L --essence rises to a bliss -- I don't know what this means, have no reference for it.
S.2 -- wonderful stanza. This reader is considering where exactly the missing line might attend, as well as its substance.
S.3 -- this stanza strikes me as purely autobiographical, and the "you" simply means the narrator is cogitating to himself.
S.4 -- too charged for me to unpack it properly. Sorry.
S.5 -- Sorry Mark - I get lost with "that" and "this" -- I don't know to what they refer.
S.6 -- Brilliance. This stanza glows with the unsaid, which has subtly been building to this conclusion.
Love the poem.
I will definitely be back many times. I can tell from this poem that Lee is still with you, as she is with the Narrator in this poem. All of this in a good way, though the Narrator remains in a wistful/nostalgic/melancholy state of mind.
Just my opinion.
Nice to see you posting, Mark.
Cheers.
T
Re: Journey
But fantastically, it does seem an essence rises to a bliss.
This line doesn't appear to be grammatically correct?
And your pain, the raw totems desolated with sorrow,
Love this line...'sorrow' is a bit telling though.
Other than that it's such a good poem, IMO the best you've posted in a while.
I don't see the reducing stanzas and increasing breaks the way Tracy does; I
read it as life being reduced by time...after all, Time is a big player in the removals business.
I also think the stanzas could be read from 6-1; the smaller breaks simply indicating a running out of time.
Anywho, thanks for posting this, and don't be a stranger
This line doesn't appear to be grammatically correct?
And your pain, the raw totems desolated with sorrow,
Love this line...'sorrow' is a bit telling though.
Other than that it's such a good poem, IMO the best you've posted in a while.
I don't see the reducing stanzas and increasing breaks the way Tracy does; I
read it as life being reduced by time...after all, Time is a big player in the removals business.
I also think the stanzas could be read from 6-1; the smaller breaks simply indicating a running out of time.
Anywho, thanks for posting this, and don't be a stranger
Re: Journey
Mark -- always a treat to grapple with your unique broad-brush, intensely personal and wildly creative poems.
Why thankee, Ty-man. Whut happened wuz I seen them dang fairy lights up yonder on the back forty agin an’ so I strayed out into them briar weeds an’ all with my good ol’ hound dawg Titus but goldarn it if I didn’t trip over some medical grade turnips on the way and then when I looky-looked up agin, well sirree, them lights wuz all gone. Shee-it.
Thanks for your comments, Colm.
Sorry guys, I wrote a looong reply and now can't bring myself to post it... too damn long.
Why thankee, Ty-man. Whut happened wuz I seen them dang fairy lights up yonder on the back forty agin an’ so I strayed out into them briar weeds an’ all with my good ol’ hound dawg Titus but goldarn it if I didn’t trip over some medical grade turnips on the way and then when I looky-looked up agin, well sirree, them lights wuz all gone. Shee-it.
Thanks for your comments, Colm.
Sorry guys, I wrote a looong reply and now can't bring myself to post it... too damn long.
Re: Journey
I see the reduction of line and space as the loss of allotted life on this earth as grains of sand through the hourglass in S3. However it does go somewhere.
This write seems to be saying that how lives are lived on this plane contributes to the collective on the next. I'm on board with that. Appreciate the hourglass analogy used in this creative way
Thus the lower reaches of that world next to us
are now evermore perilous with the evils of this.
This write seems to be saying that how lives are lived on this plane contributes to the collective on the next. I'm on board with that. Appreciate the hourglass analogy used in this creative way
Re: Journey
Hi Linda and thank you for commenting. Your premise is correct, that's part of what I said in my un-posted reply but you say it so much more succinctly.
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3449
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: Journey
Dang it, post the unposted!
It is part of your mission, Mark -- you know-- to post what no poster has ever posted before.
Seriously, inquiring minds want to know.
It is part of your mission, Mark -- you know-- to post what no poster has ever posted before.
Seriously, inquiring minds want to know.
Re: Journey
Hi Mark
I found the poem really moving from the second stanza onwards. The first seemed quite a long preamble to me and while it adds reflection to the rest I found it less engaging. It is so wonderfully overshadowed by the rest, which is touching and deep and emotional.
Dave
I found the poem really moving from the second stanza onwards. The first seemed quite a long preamble to me and while it adds reflection to the rest I found it less engaging. It is so wonderfully overshadowed by the rest, which is touching and deep and emotional.
Dave
Re: Journey
Hi Dave, thanks for looking. Quite right about the first stanza. Typically, it was at first just a standalone quad with 4 separate deadpan lines. It looked this below. But then I thought to expand on the theme and scrambled it into 6 lines, and then went ahead with the rest.
Mortality is so inevitable and yet thereafter so unknown.
We nod to faith and fill our eyes with clever ideas of the times.
Life is blindly embroiled in ego and cold survival of the genes.
But fantastically, it does seem an essence rises to a bliss.
Mortality is so inevitable and yet thereafter so unknown.
We nod to faith and fill our eyes with clever ideas of the times.
Life is blindly embroiled in ego and cold survival of the genes.
But fantastically, it does seem an essence rises to a bliss.
Re: Journey
.
solar return
here in this world beside yours,
your temporary corporeal domain
this plane remains your world too
and we'll soon see you back again
it's lovely here, you'll remember when
your time expires, how sublime to see
the universal order of atoms in harmony
with the synergy and law of light energy
in the brightness of being so vast and pure
in perfect molecules of souls formed in clouds
of constellations dangling ganglia pink and blue
and sparkled with golden radiance, you await you
solar return
here in this world beside yours,
your temporary corporeal domain
this plane remains your world too
and we'll soon see you back again
it's lovely here, you'll remember when
your time expires, how sublime to see
the universal order of atoms in harmony
with the synergy and law of light energy
in the brightness of being so vast and pure
in perfect molecules of souls formed in clouds
of constellations dangling ganglia pink and blue
and sparkled with golden radiance, you await you