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Rain

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Rain

Post by poet-e » Fri Jul 10, 2020 7:51 pm

Rain

Rain washes my dirty
sin soaked stained
blood browned
tattered torn
dress—that’s a bit
creamier now.

Rain washes my
sappy sour sorrows;
beating me and my
sin soaked stained
blood browned dress,
like rocks to laundry—a
cold cleanse, cooling me.

Pouring pellets pelt me,
penetrating the coldness’
soaking skin sending shivers
up my back, throughout
my body.

Thank You for my
momentary cleansing,
temporary purity
until my dress becomes
sin soaked stained
blood browned again
and I wait for my next
momentary cleansing.

indar
Posts: 2142
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:00 pm

Re: Rain

Post by indar » Fri Jul 10, 2020 10:37 pm

Hi Poet-e,

I can almost read this as the feminine version of The Myth of Sisyphus. There is the one moment the N becomes clean only to have to take on the sins of the world---the ORIGINAL sin even.  Good write.

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: Rain

Post by poet-e » Sat Jul 11, 2020 12:04 am

indar wrote:
Fri Jul 10, 2020 10:37 pm
Hi Poet-e,

I can almost read this as the feminine version of The Myth of Sisyphus. There is the one moment the N becomes clean only to have to take on the sins of the world---the ORIGINAL sin even.  Good write.

Thanks!  I'll look that up!

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Mark
Posts: 388
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: Rain

Post by Mark » Sun Jul 12, 2020 1:25 pm

I hope I'm correct in assuming this is not a recognized poetry form. I understand everything's an experiment in breaking boundaries but I have to say I found myself more looking out for the next line of alliteration and any pattern to those than paying attention to the content. The poem  seemed to serve mostly as a structure for playing around with an unformed form. I did enjoy the bounciness but think you could have taken this further.  

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: Rain

Post by poet-e » Sun Jul 12, 2020 10:20 pm

Take it further how?

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Mark
Posts: 388
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 11:19 am

Re: Rain

Post by Mark » Thu Jul 16, 2020 9:07 pm

The specifics would be up to you, really. Regard my comment as encouragement to realize potential rather than a case to be proven under probing. But generally, I think it has room for more alliteration, for example, if that is the exercise. Unless you think it's the best it can be.

I like challenges too - I once did this silly alliteration exercise from A-Z, four words per line, attempting a modicum of sense. I don't think I have it anymore but it started like this:

All asininely alphabetically alliterated
By bashing black buttons
Contending composer can cope

 

poet-e
Posts: 247
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 9:10 pm

Re: Rain

Post by poet-e » Mon Aug 03, 2020 5:56 pm

Nice challenge Mark!

Matty11
Posts: 812
Joined: Fri Jan 12, 2018 2:58 am

Re: Rain

Post by Matty11 » Tue Aug 04, 2020 7:51 am

Hi Poet,
The poem does convey a sense of feeling beaten-up in its pounding, driving sounds. There is no sense of release - the fact of the 'moment' ironically reinforces that truth because it is only a moment. I don't feel you have overcooked the alliteration, which is easily done and can overwhelm content. So I differ with Mark on my opinion in regard to form.

best

Phil

ajduclos
Posts: 1028
Joined: Mon Apr 01, 2019 7:35 pm

Re: Rain

Post by ajduclos » Wed Aug 12, 2020 12:37 pm

I find this powerful, poet-e, very Sisyphus like, as Linda points out.  The alliteration hammers, really drives home and drives in the raw emotion.  Well done !!!
Aj

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