Another re-write:
Adulthood
A yellow ball
bounces downstairs
and out the door
I lock inside
my mother' s voice
the warmest sound
universes can muster
and reach my hand
to the indifferent stars
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adulthood
Re: adulthood
Evocative Dave. Like the inside/outside, close/warmth/distant/cold, and the sonics of mother/muster - for the 'm' sound perhaps 'the cosmos' rather than universes. The human relationships give meaning/comfort...and the sense of loss.
best
Phil
best
Phil
Re: adulthood
Thanks Matty
Cosmos is a great idea, thanks.
Dave
Cosmos is a great idea, thanks.
Dave
Re: adulthood
Nice poem Dave.
Maybe
the warmest sound
my universe can muster
Love this
A yellow ball
bounces downstairs
and out the door
The last S feels cliched?
You could spend your life rewriting this.
Maybe
the warmest sound
my universe can muster
Love this
A yellow ball
bounces downstairs
and out the door
The last S feels cliched?
You could spend your life rewriting this.
Re: adulthood
Thanks Colm
Yes you are right the ending is a cliché. Needs a rethink - lifelong rethink
Dave
Yes you are right the ending is a cliché. Needs a rethink - lifelong rethink
Dave