edited version
The first arrival of the season
is winging it in a star pine
on my back hill. I imagine northern songbirds
gather in some South American
jungle for a winter sing-along
and my California mockingbird stopped by
to add a few of this year's numbers.
His mock repertoire pours through my open
door: robin's spring announcement,
a gurgle-trill from redwing blackbirds
that cling to cattails thick in shallow waters,
songs I remember from the woodlands
of a life two thousand miles ago.
Five repeating notes from a Peruvian flute
and background music for kabuki theater.
***********************************************************
The first mockingbird of the season
is winging it in a star pine
on my back hill. I imagine northern
songbirds gather in some South American
jungle for a winter sing-along
and California mockingbirds stop by
to add a few of this year's numbers.
Their mock repertoire pours through my open
door: robin's spring announcement,
a gurgle-trill from redwing blackbirds
that cling to cattails thick in shallow waters,
songs I remember from the woodlands
of a life two thousand miles ago.
Five repeating notes from a Peruvian flute
and background music for kabuki theater.
Welcome to The Tangled Branch! Join us.
While Trying to Think of Something to Write About (with edit)
Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About
hi Linda
Yes, the songbirds are in full-throated competition and we know spring is here - at last! Songs that take us to exotic places and memories of other times.
enjoyed Linda, though I've been tempted to tweak a few line endings...
Yes, the songbirds are in full-throated competition and we know spring is here - at last! Songs that take us to exotic places and memories of other times.
enjoyed Linda, though I've been tempted to tweak a few line endings...
The first mockingbird of the season
is winging it in a star pine
on my back hill. I imagine northern songbirds
gather in some South American jungle
for a winter sing-along
and California mockingbirds stop by
to add a few of this year's numbers.
Their mock repertoire pours through
my open door: robin's spring announcement,
a gurgle-trill from redwing blackbirds
that cling to cattails thick in shallow waters,
songs I remember from the woodlands
of a life two thousand miles ago.
Five repeating notes from a Peruvian flute
and background music for kabuki theater.
Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About
Thank you Phil,
Your version does read much better. I tend to overthink line breaks, for instance:
on my back hill. I imagine northern
songbirds gather in some South American
I wanted to get north and south as close to one another and as prominent as possible to play up the N's move from northern climes to the southwest.
I guess to the detriment of the flow eh?
Your version does read much better. I tend to overthink line breaks, for instance:
on my back hill. I imagine northern
songbirds gather in some South American
I wanted to get north and south as close to one another and as prominent as possible to play up the N's move from northern climes to the southwest.
I guess to the detriment of the flow eh?
Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About
I think it snaps the line, breaks it in unnatural way, but that is my taste and there are plenty of poems written in that style.I guess to the detriment of the flow eh?
Phil
Re: While Trying to Think of Something to Write About
For the years I've participated in these poetry forums I've noticed comments about enjambments, many complimentary. I got out my old copy of "The Poet's Companion" and looked it up. I've tried to use it to my advantage but as you say it looks broken. Maybe I still don't really know how to use it effectively. Still, it might be worth discussing further.