The Curator's Confession

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Mon Mar 22, 2021 4:04 pm

And then I swept the dust away
with Jenny's trusted broom. Besides
the pot was not a fitting tomb.
No antique could bury that lust
for laughter, thirst for gin, that spice
of briny tales. An urn's no shrine
to foster ghosts, to web a hush
of her. She was the crash of waves
wetting the shore, the rush for more.
No ornament could cage our Jen.
And when I swept her dust to air,
and when I smashed the artefact,
I heard that blue blush of sea
dashing pebbles against my door.

Post by **Colm Roe** » Mon Mar 22, 2021 7:55 pm

Fantastic poem Phil, gripped me on the first read. Not sure about 'blush'? Anywho, a minor nit in a major poem.

Post by **indar** » Tue Mar 23, 2021 12:44 pm

Couldn't agree more with what Colm said, fantastic. Made my eyes water up. The ending hurt my heart with my own memories.

TrevorConway · Post by **TrevorConway** » Wed Mar 24, 2021 3:58 am

Hi Phil,

Lots to like here. It has an interesting tone. The main bum notes for me are the title and the opening. Is this person really a curator? If so, I think the title is misleading. And who is Jen? It feels as if it's assumed the reader knows. Removing the reference to her via the trusted broom would help fit her into the poem better, I think. A few specific below.

Trev

And then I swept the dust away [Just feels like a weak opening. Even "Sweeping the dust away" would be better]
with Jenny's trusted broom. Besides
the pot was not a fitting tomb. [The rhyme of broom and tomb smacks of some former rhyem scheme abandoned]
No antique could bury that lust [Maybe not "bury" - "enshroud"? "enclose" "encase"? "contain"?]
for laughter, thirst for gin, that spice
of briny tales. An urn's no shrine
to foster ghosts, to web a hush [Some very cool phrases these last 2 lines]
of her. She was the crash of waves
wetting the shore, the rush for more. [Not mad on these last 2 lines, and you say something very similar, but in a better way, at the end]
No ornament could bin our Jen. [Again, repetitious, and "bin" feels too jokey or soemthing]
And when I swept her dust to air, [Maybe "the air" - straining to be too poetic by leaving "the" out]
and when I smashed the artefact, [So, we're going back in time? Maybe transition by referring to remembering/memory]
I heard that blue blush of sea
dashing pebbles against my door. [Great ending. Lovely phrases and images. Note-perfect]

AlienFlower · Post by **AlienFlower** » Thu Mar 25, 2021 6:00 am

Hi Phil

I take it the curator removed Jenny’s ashes from the collection and released her? Makes me wonder if you are thinking here about the need to release to their people all human remains currently kept in museums.

I don’t see a need for the 10th line, No ornament could bin our Jen. It’s repetitive and seems to come from a different voice. Removing it, you have a single sentence rushing like the sea itself from “She was the crash of waves” all the way to the end of the poem. Works for me. And it brings about a turn in the sonnet 6 lines from the end. The change in meter from four to three feet in the last two lines builds the excitement, to me.

Of course, you’d need to add to the first 8 lines to make up for L10. Would you consider removing the word “Besides”? It implies you’re inserting an afterthought, but you’re actually introducing the main idea of the poem.

I very much enjoyed reading this.
Jackie

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Thu Mar 25, 2021 9:39 pm

Thank you Colm, Linda, Jackie and Trev. Pleased you enjoyed. Also appreciate the suggestions and thoughts on what is working and what could be improved. Much for me to ponder on.

all the best

Phil

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Fri Mar 26, 2021 3:04 am

An interesting and good piece of writing. Questions ahve been asked about curator in the title, where I wonder about the confession. What exactly is being confessed? Nevertheless, I like the title because it is different and does exactly that makes the reader pose questions while offering a darkish context of sin.

I agree with the 10th line being weak but have no suggestions.

The rest seems to form an organic whole.
Dave

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Sun Mar 28, 2021 7:15 am

Thanks Dave. I saw the curator conflicted between his traditional working role and mindset, one of preservation, and his realisation that the personal 'veneration' of Jen translated to release and freedom: the breaking of the urn was not an 'accident', but intentional. Perhaps in life he had confined his feelings, distanced himself, and the breakage was a release of those feelings. Some of my thoughts anyway.

cheers

Phil

Gyppo · Post by **Gyppo** » Mon Mar 29, 2021 5:50 pm

If you want to keep the tenth line then 'bin' is definitely the sticking point.

May I suggest 'cage' instead. That's why my ashes will be scattered and freed when the time comes. Logic tells me that ashes cannot feel claustrophobia, but what if I'm wrong?

Gyppo

Matty11 · Post by **Matty11** » Mon Mar 29, 2021 10:21 pm

Thanks G. I'll take that suggestion!

cheers

Phil

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