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Imagined

General Poetry - post, comment, review, critique
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Dave
Posts: 2104
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Imagined

Post by Dave » Tue Jul 24, 2018 9:05 am

Birches I know.
The childlike blossoms
and incidental grasses
like so much life
along this finite path
remain mere shadows

when so often
distracted by imagination
I choose to wander
coastlines and cliffs
a single light step
from an ocean of mirrors.
Last edited by Dave on Wed Jul 25, 2018 10:57 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Mark
Posts: 588
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:19 am

Re: Imagined

Post by Mark » Tue Jul 24, 2018 12:49 pm

I do like S2 a lot - S1 seemed a little complex - well written for sure but S2 has a marvelous landing. Enjoyable read.

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Colm Roe
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 12:45 am

Re: Imagined

Post by Colm Roe » Tue Jul 24, 2018 7:56 pm

I agree with Mark, a little more clarity in S1 is required and it'll be sorted.
Very nice read.

Dave
Posts: 2104
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Imagined

Post by Dave » Wed Jul 25, 2018 2:03 am

Thanks Mark and Colm i understand the problem just not the answer.Will give it a try.

indar
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Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 8:00 am

Re: Imagined

Post by indar » Wed Jul 25, 2018 10:05 am

Guess I'll be the lone appreciator of the first S. (so far). I know birches and grasses--they don't grow by coastlines--at least not on the west coast of the US. But I'm originally from a land of white birch and tender grass and they will always be with me in my heart. Lovely poem Dave.

Dave
Posts: 2104
Joined: Mon Jan 08, 2018 9:07 am

Re: Imagined

Post by Dave » Wed Jul 25, 2018 10:57 am

Thanks indar. To be fair to the others but as i am posting from holiday on my phone i changed the poem already to clarify. Glad you can get something from it

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lshmael
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 7:27 pm

Re: Imagined

Post by lshmael » Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:26 pm

I like the whole poem, as well as the first stanza. Although perhaps you could swap finite for something else? I am interested to read your edit.

I would change it something like this

along a settled path
remain as shadows

along a concluded path
remain mere shadows

Nice work. Mirrors and the sea are some of my favourite metaphors, and they are used with a very pleasing brevity here.




 

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