loose clockwork

[Ike]

The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

[Matty11]

hi Ike

The giving of ones time to someone else? The breaking away from restrictions? The ambition to risk, to be 'imperfect, to succeed? The poem prompted questions,

cheers

Phil

[Mark]

Loved the title but the poem disappointed. The first line perplexed me, chronometer-wise, and then the middle sounded like a basic narcissist/empath thing going on and the ending plain jarred. Sorry if this seems unfair because I don't get it.

[indar]

I agree with Mark---I expected some hinkey-jinky cog and gear slippage that dealt with time perceived or something. You may be able to work out a poem that fulfills such expectations while retaining the gist of the poem as written. I hope you try something like that

[indar]

Oh one other thing it took me a few reads to get the last couple of lines---I think it would be helpful to the reader if there was a bit more of a hint---"lemons to lemonade: ski in the snow.

[Mark]

The title's brilliant - imagine a Tom poem to follow. It made me expect some kind of a nutter but subtle - it does work for Ike's piece too.

[Tracy Mitchell]

I like this Ike. I took it as less about time than about finding the right distance in a relationship.

I would suggest you consider the effect of swapping the position of these stanzas:

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.


Love the ending.

Cheers.

T

[Marc Gilbert]

The minutes on the hour hand
slip.

Hold my hand
but take yours
when you need.

Have my hand
I don't need it
back.

To slip
isn't to fall.

Ski in the snow.

I like this. The length of the opening line and its juxtaposition in structure from the remaining lines suggests the slippage. Two small suggestions: Drop "back" from S3. And I'd want to read the last line as "Ski the snow slowly", but I'm a flagrant abuser of alliteration, specifically sibilance.  

[Dansinger]

Uncomfortable. That's how this poem makes me feel. Which means it works. I evokes emotion.

I can't honestly say I like it, but that's not the point. You grabbed my attention - and held it.

[Ike]

Thanks for the reply, Phil. Hope it wasnt too many questions that it prompted without any resolution, I've been trying to stray away from doing that