If only
my mind bent
around corners
words could be cranes
balanced on roofs,
collapsed piles of leaves
would be corpses,
eggs hop down a hill
like laughter,
turtles would emerge from wet sand
crawl to the sea,
beneath hawks' sly smiles,
dive into the waves,
then tap dance to the tune
of In the Mood.
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turtles
Re: turtles
Turtles tap-dance once they get into their own element? That's wonderful news because, yes, their progress on land is indeed painful, laborious, exhausting. I feel so sorry for them.
I love love love the whole poem except S-1. I think S-2 is a better start with 1 word change.
if only
my mind bent
around corners
(words) could be cranes
balanced on roofs,
I
I love love love the whole poem except S-1. I think S-2 is a better start with 1 word change.
if only
my mind bent
around corners
(words) could be cranes
balanced on roofs,
I
Re: turtles
I can live very well with that. Thanks
- Tracy Mitchell
- Posts: 3444
- Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 3:58 pm
Re: turtles
In the Mood -- click here: Glen Miller - In The Mood
Turtles tapdance to this tune, underwater. What a wonderful world you create.
"eggs hop down a hill / like laughter. . . . "
Lots of life in this poem.
My only suggestion would be to consider deleting "painful". A turtle's slow waddle may look or seem painful as we imagine it. I doubt that is the turtle's experience, and the poem is not advanced by use of the adjective. Just my view.
Real fine writing, Dave.
T
Turtles tapdance to this tune, underwater. What a wonderful world you create.
"eggs hop down a hill / like laughter. . . . "
Lots of life in this poem.
My only suggestion would be to consider deleting "painful". A turtle's slow waddle may look or seem painful as we imagine it. I doubt that is the turtle's experience, and the poem is not advanced by use of the adjective. Just my view.
Real fine writing, Dave.
T
Re: turtles
Thanks Tracy. Consider painful gone. Good argument
Re: turtles
Fantastic poem Dave.
'eggs hop down a hill' is such a wonderful and original visual.
'eggs hop down a hill' is such a wonderful and original visual.